"Bills, Bills, Bills"

I'm not 100% why this title correlates with this post, and consequently there will be future posts with this title, but this quote just came to mind.  While I was in college and we lived off-campus in this most amazing White House - whenever we'd get bills, I'd run through the house yelling "bills, bills, bills" in this monotone, low, weird voice.  Coco totally loved it!  Actually she hated it, but we still say at “appropriate times”.  So don’t ask me why I need to call these posts this – just deal with it.  Ok, getting back to the point…these posts are going to be about things that I might not have been able to form a whole post on, but I still feel they are important enough to share.  So may I introduce you to the first installment of "Bills, Bills, Bills".

·     While I was walking to the gym last night there was a man walking on the sidewalk next to me.  He looked normal enough and then we got to a light and not so normal anymore.  While we stopped at the crosswalk I looked over and he began brushing his teeth.  Yup - full on brushing.  So the light turned and we could cross.  He puts the brush back in his pocket while we cross the street - no cover or anything just back in his coat pocket.  I'm thinking "wtf?!".  So we get to the next light - stopped.  We're shoulder to shoulder.  I glance over.  The brush comes out again - now I'm gagging because he put the dirty toothbrush back in his mouth.  Now my interest has peaked.  Light turns - brush back in we cross the street.  I try to get a lil closer to him to see what the hell is actually going on.  He smells minty fresh - brush comes back out and then its time to spit -basically he does a "drive by" spit tactic and keeps on walking brush back in coat pocket.  Then I realized I almost passed my gym and I'm still confused as to what exactly just happened! 

·     Every morning on my way to work, I pass this woman who walks 2 dogs - they are lil white dogs.  Oh you're thinking - "why is that weird?"  Well my friends let me tell you.  It's weird because she has dyed their tails and ears - one pink and one purple.  Why on Earth would you do that you ask?  Simply because she needs to tell them apart.  I'm sorry - isn't that what collars are for?!  Leave those poor things alone!

·     I went out to dinner with my friend Juan last night.  I was meeting him at this restaurant and while I was waiting for him, I stood by the bar area.  They were playing a pretty good music set and I glanced over to see this guy banging his cane - yes his cane - to the beat of the song that was on.  Pretty sure the song was "Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie- yup - it has a good beat - great for cane banging!  Also while at dinner I realized how old I'm getting and quite possibly I might be losing it.  I kept telling Juan that I was going to see a band called "Orchard Grove" on Friday - pretty sure it's "Ocean Grove". And I told him all about this place in the West Village called "Olive Oil" and what an amazing dinner I had there - one problem it's called "Extra Virgin".  Both things I was saying with such conviction that despite his questioning and not thinking that "Orchard Grove" and "Olive Oil" were the names - I was like no you just prob haven't heard of them - you're so not "New York".  Pretty sure I'm losing it!

·     Again while walking, I overheard a man ask this woman if she "took her dog out in the bad weather".  No sir, she lets the dog pee all over the house, totally normal, I mean it is raining outside!  WTF kind of question is that?!  No, actually she only takes her dog out when it's sunny and 76 degrees - perfect "dog weather"!

·     My gym is a lil cray cray at times and there are 2 things that have struck me recently.  1.  There is an older man that comes in everyday, in like full on clothes - I'm talking boots, flannel shirt, pants, etc.  Everyday he gets on the bike (usually next to me) and just sits there and watches TV.  Now I'm not sure if he's homeless, just telling his wife he's going to "work out" or what his deal is, but I have yet to see him even pedal!  And he'll sit there for like an hour at "peak time" and people are waiting to get on the bike!  2.  I was on the Elliptical and this woman saunters up next to me.  She was like all kinds of "perfect" and thought that she was just the shiz and some.  So she gets on the Elliptical next to me and busts out like a whole 2  minutes and decides she's had enough, I mean why break a sweat?!  Especially when you're in your tight lil (I stress lil) outfit and all and your hair is down so you look "just so".  Well she was getting off and thinking she was hot stuff when she forgot how to get off an Elliptical and twists around and plants herself on the ground.  Like she went flying off, legs twisted, lands on her hands and one knee - one leg still on the Elliptical.  Her water and towel go flying.  I of course stopped, turned around and asked her if she was ok, trying desperately not to laugh.  She gave me an attitude and said she "was fine"!  Well lady - Karma's a bitch, isn't it?!  Maybe if you weren't so rude to people and thought you were all that and a bag of chips (haven't busted that one out in awhile) then you would be able to remove yourself from your Elliptical in a normal fashion!

I hope you enjoyed these lil snippets of my crazay life.  I'll collect a few more, I like to keep a running tab, and then you'll get another installment of……BILLS, BILLS, BILLS!!

Don't Forget - Rock the Red Pump Tomorrow!

Don't forget to wear your red pumps tomorrow!!!  And see my name mentioned on the list of supporters!  Not gonna lie - I'm pretty excited to see my blog "in print"!!

Marco...Polo

I’m totes depressed to be heading back. I’m currently sitting at the airport – my flight is delayed and this is just the worst way to leave here. The sun is shining and it’s a gorgeous day out there – and I’m stuck in the airport! My trip to Marco Island was fab – however it wouldn’t be a trip without a few mishaps! At least – that is always my experience!

I began my trip by getting searched at security in JFK. It seems that this fun lil medicine I have to be on for some “stomach issues”, vaguely resembles cocaine. There you go – you can see where this is going. I’d been waiting on line for what seemed like 18 years; finally I get up to the security point. I take my shoes off, take my laptop out; you know the drill and head on through. Then this commotion starts and next thing I know they're holding my bag up yelling "who's bag is this?!". I quickly gather up my other things and have to go over to the "special area" to get my bag searched! They put on the gloves, etc and begin to go through. Undies flying around, bras everywhere - worst! So they pull out my medicine and this water bottle I had (an empty one) and start testing everything for drugs. Awesome. Finally they run it back through and they tell me I'm fine to go. Oh that's fun - now my bag is a total disaster I'm standing there in my socks trying to get the damn thing to close (remember I had to sit on it in the first place) and now I'm struggling, sweating, sitting on it, finally it zips! So that was a fun way to start the trip!

My flight was fine - smooth sailing and I totally heart Jet Blue! I got my lil snack and watched TV - it was fab! My aunt & uncle picked us up at that the airport and we started back to the island. My aunt & uncle are total characters - I can't even handle them. Sydney had the pleasure of spending time with them and still talks about it! Here is one of the first "conversations" of the trip:

Uncle: Girls, you'll never believe what happened to me a few weeks ago. I was walking out of a restaurant and this girl, pretty girl, came running up to me asking to take my picture with her. I didn't know who she was, but I said fine and smiled.
My sister: Wait, you just took a picture with some random person?! Did they think you were famous or something?!
Uncle: No clue (laughing) - but they have my picture now!
Aunt: Oh God, you're probably on some porn site for old people.

Seriously - I was dying in the back seat. Like this was just the beginning! The rest of the trip was great - so relaxing!

We went to the beach the first day - I am as white as a ghost - so I applied my 60 SPF - awesome. Within like umm 2 hours I was already under my towel with my straw hat on in fear of turning into a lobster. We also saw The King's Speech and it was amazing - highly recommend!

The second day - beach again - this day I decided that it would be fun to break out into a rash that I get EVERY FREAKING TIME I go to Florida! It's so annoying - I think there is something in the air down there - but ever since I was little I've been getting this. Good thing my aunt is accustomed/like my second mom and her reply when she looked over at me was "Oh, Jesus - I'd thought you'd outgrown this God Damn thing - this is just ridiculous!" Such concern! Haha - just kidding - she's just used to it and it doesn't really "bother" me - so what are ya gonna do?! That night my sister and I went to happy hour and my aunt & uncle went to church. Totally normal. My sister yelled out "pray for us" as they were dropping us off. We go to said HH and swear to God we were the youngest by about 40 years. We bellied up to the bar, that was overlooking the lagoon and had a few margs! It was great! Then we got picked up and out to dinner we went. Home by 8:30 pm - bed by 10 pm!

The third day was kinda overcast and gross. And since I wasn’t really able to go into the elements due to my lovely rash, my sister and I went to lunch and then rented a movie. Huge mistake. The first one we got was The Informant with Matt Damon. I thought it'd be good because I totally love him, but Matt - you seriously disappointed me. It was not good at all and totally boring. We didn't even make it through the first hour. So we went back and to Get Him To The Greek with Jonah Hill & Russell Brand. Now we waited till after to dinner to watch this one. We had company, old family friends of my aunt & uncle's that we grew up with. I absolutely adore this couple (they actually spent the day on the beach with us the day before). My aunt and her refer to each other only as "girlfriend". Which btw - they've been doing for about 50 years - its' hilarious. And the husbands actually call the other wife "girlfriend", too. It's just hysterical. So dinner was fab - very entertaining. "Girlfriend" is a total hoot - and yes I realized I said "hoot", but I've been spending a lot of time with my elders! So after dinner my sister and I decided to sit down with my aunt & uncle to watch this movie. WORST CHOICE EVER. For those of you who haven't seen it, prob the first 50 words that come out are "penis", "f*ck", "sex", "genitals", followed by a vivid sex/throw up scene. So you can imagine our discomfort watching this with our 71 & 72 year old aunt & uncle. AWKWARD. Well that went off immediately, despite the fact that my sister and I were quietly cracking up in the corner because it was hilar - so def have to watch it again - maybe alone this time!

Our last day was sad. I hate leaving. Not only do I love the time with everyone, but I just love being on the beach and not having a care in the world. It's the best! So my sister and I had breakfast on the beach and then took a long walk along the shoreline. It was great. Then headed to the airport - boooo where my flight was delayed and here we are.

So I'll leave you with this image - this place is paradise! I highly recommend you take a lil trip - my aunt & uncle love company!

It doesn't get more perfect than this!

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I'll apologize in advance for this lackluster post! I was running around like a lunatic last night trying to get myself ready for my lil trip, you'd think I was going for like 3 weeks! In a final attempt to get it all into a carry-on bag, I was literally sitting on my suitcase this morning in my towel praying that it would close. I think all my weight did it in and I finally got the thing to zip! So needless to say, this should make for an interesting trip back, as I can NEVER pack it all the "right way" on the way home! I think I'm always just so depressed to be heading home, that my suitcase just revolts against me and tries to force me to stay longer. Anywho - I'm anxious to get down to Flo-Rida. The best part about where I "vacay" is that the average age is about 87. Therefore, it does not matter in the least bit what you look like! Which, to me, is amazeballs because it's just such a great feeling to actually feel "ok" in a bathing suit (which by the way, I thought was pronounced/spelled "babing suit" until I was about 15 - nbd)! The other great part is that I get to spend time with my aunt & uncle, who I adore! So all in all, these are always fab lil getaways! I brought my lil laptop - so I'm hoping to give you some updates along the way, there are always a few good stories!

And now for my newest obsession! I'm always the girl who has to buy the expensive shampoo. Why - I don’t know, but I just really like it. I do not have any crazy type of hair - actually quite the opposite - straight and kinda boring, but for some reason the bottles and the price just suck me in! Like I'm getting SUCH a better product than the $4.99 bottle. So while I was perusing the shelves of the drugstore the other day the new Aveeno Shampoo caught my eye. I like Aveeno products and it was very reasonably priced - I feel like it was around $6. I figured I'd stop being such a "shampoo snob" and give it a go.

Well - let me tell you! I tried it this morning and I think I have a lil extra pep in my step! I'm obsessed! I enjoy the smell and I honestly feel like it gave me more volume and "umf" than most other shampoos I use! I was a lil skeptical because it's a "creamy/pearly" shampoo and I've been told that those weigh your hair down, so I ALWAYS go for the more "clear" shampoos. But seriously - my hair feels weightless! I used the "volumizing" one, but they also have it for color treated, noursihing, extra shine, and revitalizing.  I recommend you all give it a go and see how you feel. I mean for only $6, if you hate - it's not too much of a loss! Happy shampooing!!

Spring Fling

So I was sooo annoyed this morning when I went to walk to work and it was back to sub-zero temperatures! I'm not usually one to "hate the cold" - but this is getting RULL old! I'm all about my seasons - which is why I could never live in somewhere that is only one temp - but right now, I'm just so over winter! So this bout of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) could not come at a more fitting time, as I’m heading to Florida on Thursday! I can't wait for the beach and the sun and 80 degree weather! I'm currently running around my apt trying to pack, which is such a process because I have to take out all my spring/summer clothes. But it's also making me pine for my warm weather attire! Therefore, I thought this post would be fitting - I'm going to share a few things that I'm coveting for the Spring/Summer!

Nude Pumps

I have been after these for about 2 years now and I still have not found the right pair! Here are a few that I think would work. Every time I get a pair home though, I find something wrong with them - so if you have a fave pair - fill me in!

Totally too high - but I'm wierdly obsessed!

 

Charcoal Converse Sneakers

Totally obsessed - been wanting to buy a pair for awhile now, and I'm finally ready to pull the trigger. I think the charcoal is a perfect color - goes with so much! And I walk so much around the city that having a cute pair of kicks is a necessity (not that I don’t have 15 other pairs)!!

Black Peep Toe Pumps/Wedges

Mine have just seen better days and the time has come to get a new pair! I usually get the pumps because I find I can wear them for work and then out on the weekends for a dressier look. However, this year, I'm contemplating the wedge. Ruby swears by the Tory Burch ones (below) and I'm seriously thinking of investing in a pair. I also have a few others that I think are cute and would be versatile.

White Jeans
I know your gut reaction is - hello 1984! But in all seriousness (because you know I'm all about being serious) - I feel like these are a great thing to have in your wardrobe! I'm all about the ones that are a lil more flared - hopefully my thighs won't look as ginormous flailing around in these things! But I think I'm gonna head on back up to my friends at National Jean Company and purchase me a pair!

Maxi Dress
I'm all about dresses and skirts in the spring/summer (actually all year round). I'm not a huge fan of shorts - I don’t feel like they flatter me in the least bit, although I was able to find 2 pairs that I like and I'll wear them until they are threadbare & ripped in the crotch (and even at that point I may still wear them around my apt - don’t judge me)! So I'm always up for a cute new sundress! Maxi dresses are all the rage this season, so I'm hoping to find one wows me!

Ray Bans
I know I'm a lil behind the "times" on these. But I'm always admiring these from afar and I think its time I take the plunge! I heart the aviator glasses, only downfall is my hair gets tangled in them when I put them on my head - not the most enjoyable situation when I'm panicking because my glasses have now become a permanent fixture on my head. But I think I may have to sacrifice my fear and pick me up a pair!

Bright Colors

I feel like this is a huge trend this year and I can't deny that I like it! I enjoy the bold prints and the bright colors that I'm seeing. And these hues in everything from tops to nail polish! I think a bright top, my new white jeans with my black wedges and aviator glasses (most likely tangled in my hair) would be the perfect summer ensemble!

I actually just bought this - totally heart it!

So those are few things that I'm after for the upcoming months! Please share if you have any items that you are dying to own for spring/summer! Happy March and lets hope spring gets here soon!!

Mismatched

While in AC I had a few blog post “requests”.  One of which was more Match emails!  So I’ve compiled a few more of my faves for your pleasure and thought it’d be fun to dissect them and discuss!

Email: 

Good afternoon....Please forgive me if I am being forward but I must say I am captivated by your beauty and moved by your words.

Reaction:

Seriously?!  First of all – “captivated by my beauty” – puuulease – corniest line ever!  And “moved by my words” – my profile talks about how I enjoy Pinot Noir and french fries – a far cry from a Pulitzer!

Email:

Are you realllllly leading with a Journey song?? Hmmmm ... not sure about that one ... At least I went with Super Mario Brothers ...

Reaction:

Gut reaction – I pretty much hate you.  My lil “catchphrase” is “Just a small town girl…” because it’s not only catchy – but it’s true.  I mean I know he was prob trying to be funny – but insulting me is not so much funny.  And Super Mario Brothers – like really?!  Are you a 10-year-old boy??  Hein!

Email:

holy moly...you're a hottie! Can a man get a conversation? I know what you're thinking and YES I do have pics! Im just wary ofposting them online for the world to see! So, if you like, I can send you pics....care to chat?

Reaction:

Oh really, you know what I’m thinking?!  Pretty sure I’m not really thinking about your pics – I’m more thinking about what a creepster you are and how I think you need your spellcheck.  And not just that – but seriously – you’re “wary” of posting – then why the heck are you on Match?!  And to answer your question – no sir, a man can not get a conversation.

Email:

Ok, time to hit eBay to find that shiny armor to go with my white horse.

Peace, piece & peas!

Reaction:

Ok – kinda funny white horse – haha.  But then again, not so much – a lil cheesy.  But the part about this email that really got me was the closing – what does that even mean?!  I have no idea what he was even getting at!

Email:

So you're going to look and not going to say anything?....lol Wow, was my profile that bad?....lol You must've found out about my five illegitimate children across the U.S. that I don't take care of.....:-) Regardless, I wanted to say hi!

Reaction:

Ok so backstory, I clicked on this profile for like AN second, by accident.  And this is the email I get.  I didn’t even mean to click on it! Seriously – you’re going to call me out on it?!  And p.s. – “joking” about illegitimate children with someone you’ve never met – doesn’t really bring the lol’s!

Oh and for all who were wondering – the guy I had the date with the other night – has not contacted me again!  Like wtf?!  So do I reach out to him first?!  Is that too forward?!  This is why I hate this stuff – I hate the mind games that I now have to play. I thought he was into me – he texted me before I even got home from our date!  But maybe he had more wine than I thought, was a lil drunk, and then woke up Thursday and realized he wasn’t into me.  I mean seriously – I hate that I’m even writing about this now – why am I such a girl?!  And why do girls do this?!   Please enlighten me and tell me how I should proceed!!

And a quick update – so literally right after I wrote this and got all worked up about that dude and went on my lil rant – pretty sure he texted me! 

"Hags Are Here!" (Yelled In A "Pauly D" Accent)

AC baby! The hags took over this past weekend and we had a blast! It was a successful birthday bash!! Of course it didn’t come without any fun lil stories/situations!

Sydney and I swung through the AC Airport Saturday morning to fetch Amy & Coco. We then proceeded to the hotel to get situated. As we’re walking through the hotel casino we began to see some sights! While waiting for Sydney at the elevator, some woman comes flying at me asking if I was “going up”, to which I replied, “no, just waiting for a friend”. Then she told me how she didn’t want to go in the elevator alone and kinda insinuating that I should go with her – umm what?! And so it begins! I just stared at her and then luckily Sydney came up and we were on our way. For lunch we decided that the Rainforest Café would be the best option. We began our lunch with our first drinks of the day – and in souvenir cups, too! There was also a person in a frog costume that was walking round to each table and obviously we had to get our pic with him! We had a great lunch (well kinda) followed by a VOLCANO – amazing!

They came out yelling “VOLCANO” and singing happy birthday to Sydney – she was embarrassed and hated us, but I feel like it was totally worth it! And I mean the Volcano was delish!

After lunch we headed back to the casino for a lil gambling. We situated ourselves at our very own Roulette table. It was so fun – we were having drinks and putting “it all on red”! After Sydney & Amy had lost enough money and Coco & I were up $20 a piece, we decided to head down to the bar to wait for the rest of the group. Shortly after we sat down, the rest of the hags rolled on in! Ruby, Cas, Charlotte, Hilary, & Kit – gangs all here! We had a few more drinks then headed up to get dressed for the night. I should also note that some of the people in this place were so whack-attack! Coco and I were walking past a restaurant in the hotel and saw this young boy with a “clown face” painted on him. He had a big red nose on and white make-up to look like a clown. Let me explain something to you – I freaking HATE clowns. They creep me out and I find no need in this WORLD for clowns – I absolutely hate them! So you can imagine that after a I’d already had a few drinks, seeing this “Clown Boy” really threw me through a loop!

We had dinner at Continental, which was pretty much amazing. Sooo much food, I couldn’t shovel it in fast enough! So delish – highly recommend it! We finished dinner and despite Sydney claiming she was ready for bed, I knew better, so off we went to Toga Lounge! Now first of all this is like a clerb located right within a casino – totally random. So we walk up, actually I was hobbling because my shoes were AWFUL (my friends called me Ariel because it looked like I was walking for the first time), and they tried to charge us a cover charge to get in. We all said no that wouldn’t work, so next thing we know – they waived the charge and in we all went!

It was seriously the weirdest place ever – totally bizarre. There were girls dancing on the bar – but like “professional girls” - that was their job. They weren’t strippers – but basically had nothing on and just danced – awkward. So we found a lil spot and the and of course our luck a large group of “grenades”, if you will, sat like right on top of us. I’m talking like a minefield! We finally were able to get another spot and got ourselves away from that unfortunate situation. Here are just a few things that occurred while we were in this location:

1. Some guy came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go out to the boardwalk with him and smoke pot. I replied “seriously?!?!” to which he said “yah, seriously” and then I said, “Oh, I mean if you’re serious – then……NO – get away!”. Like really?!!

2. This little foreign man would not leave Sydney alone. He was like a smitten kitten. It came to a halt when he tried to take her picture with him on his camera phone so that his co-workers would see that he talked to a girl. She yelled, “Oh, God no! I don’t do that!” And then he kinda just sulked away.

3. Ruby and I did a fantastic rendition of “Single Ladies”.  Coco & Amy thought it was just hilarious to pretend like they were taking pictures, when really they were filming the whole thing.  Def not something I need to have "surface"!

4. We all eventually got our “energy” back after dinner and busted a move to some awesome “tunes”.  It was a great "set"!

5. One of the “dancers” fell off her “box”/stage and then pretended that it was her heel of her boot that broke – but it totally didn’t she was just too focused on her “sexy dancing” to realize that she had overstepped her boundaries and down she went!

6. We saw a few very interesting characters – I mean only in AC would you see such sights!

7. A girl got kicked out because she was so bombed – and then proceed to fall as she was being escorted out – oh and she was wearing flats and there were no steps/it wasn’t dark - how she even managed to fall is beyond me!

Finally around 2:30 am we decided we needed a change of scenery, so Dusk nightclub seemed like the best idea. When we first got in the clerb the music was great, total old school rap and college throwbacks! Amazing! There were fog machines going, people dancing like lunatics and I swear the way some of those girls were grinding – someone left pregnant. I know that is the hag coming out in me – but we were all a lil shocked at the outfits and antics of these young ladies! I actually turned to Coco and one point and exclaimed, “where are their mothers?!”. Anyways – we to stay there for a lil while and Sydney was in her glory – so it was totally worth it!

By the time we got out of there it was about time for us to call it a night. It was after 4 am, my feet were basically bleeding – Ariel needed to go back “Under the Sea”. We basically just went to bed when we got home – a lil bit of recapping, but we were all exhausted from our shenanigans!

The next morning was a lil rough – I mean we can’t do it like we used to! Me, Sydney, Coco, & Amy had breakfast together. We were all al lil cranky and imagined that this would be our life as old women in our Florida old folks community! I then had to get on a Greyhound bus back to NYC, and thank God, Sydney, Coco & Amy stayed with me at the station. It was the seediest place EVER! Finally I got on and there were a slew of lunatics that were going to be with me for the next 2.5 hours. I was a lil nervous at first – there were a lot of random phone convos going on and carings on – but shortly after we started our trek, everyone went to sleep.  Amy & Coco had to sit in the AC airport all day because the only flight back was at 6pm! WORST! And poor Kit was so sick – she was such a trooper all night, but she actually was like legit sick and was just in miserable shape to have to drive all the way back to DC!!

So basically the hags infiltrated AC and conquered! I had a blast and I think Sydney left with a huge headache – which equals a good night. Obvi my memory might not have captured all our antics – so anyone that was there, please feel free to add on!