It's Going Down...I'm Yelling TINDER!

First off - try to not sing that Ke$ha song for the rest of the day.  

Guys….the other night…I had a DATE!  No no don't get scared - hell is still as hot as ever and hasn't frozen over.  My friend Anna strongly urged/made me join Tinder.  Ugh - yes - Tinder. HOWEVER I've heard from numerous others that they've dated/been on dates with some really great guys, so I figured - what the hell?!  Welp - I had my first "Tindate" the other night…I can't really put into words how I feel about it, so you all can just be the judge.

Back story…he's 39 years old, in finance, decent looking (I mean who am I to judge?!), seemed  a lil funny.  He messaged me right away after we "matched" and we started chatting.  Normal stuff - nothing crazy.  Eventually he asked me to grab drinks and I obliged.  I should also mention that he seemed interested/conscientious - he checked in on me over the long weekend, asked how my trip to Boston was with my fam, etc.  I was really hopeful for this one.  We/I picked a spot and had a plan to meet there at 8 pm.  Now I was really trying to make an effort - I went home after work, re-did  makeup, put on a cute outfit, did my hair - really trying here.  

It was 7:50 pm, so I was literally just walking out the door when I got a message from him:  "Hey,still in the office. I should be there by latest 8:30.  Looking fwd to it." Basically he pretty much knew he was going to be late considering he lives downtown and the bar was uptown and would take him about 20 minutes to get there via subway.  Sooo already I'm annoyed, but I'm really trying here.  Like really trying.  Eventually I left my apt for the bar and we wound up getting there at the same time and had our awkward first encounter.  Phew - that's out of the way!  We sat down and he got me a beer…so I'm still kinda hopeful…so far so good.  Then he opened his mouth…. Annnnnd we're off!  I think the best way for me to recap this is to transcribe (to my best ability) our conversations/date/meeting/torture…

Me:  So you just started a new job, what type of work do you do in finance?
Him:  Do you even know anything about finance?? (condescendingly)
Me:  Well I mean basic, I was a business major, so I know some.
Him:  I work on the zippity zorp of the FGB along side the WPV and the schempes schlemps. …blah blah blah (he pretty much just used only acronyms and phrases that you would know if you worked at his job/at his desk/you were him…clearly things I didn't know)

Me:  (Smile & nod)….
Him:  (No questions about my job)
Me:  So Astoria - what made you move there?  I've heard great things about it, but haven't really been.
Him:  I was living with my ex-girlfriend - NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! And I had to move out and clearly I was going to buy something because I  could, so I looked everywhere and this was the best move.   I mean it's already appreciated in value in the like 3 months I've lived there.  But I had to buy like everything new - like everything.  I mean I had to buy utensils.
Me:  (giggling a bit because that's just that ridiculous) Utensils - huh?  I mean that's kinda called being a grown up.
Him:  Really - like utensils - I had to buy all new ones because I had nothing.
Me:  (changing the subject - or trying to)

**I should also take the time to mention that he was yawning the entire time.  like not little polite, I'm trying to hide how tired I am yawns, like big huge obnoxious yawns.**

Him:  Sorry - I'm just really tired - it's not you.  I have to get into work like super early.  You probably don't even understand how early.  Like I have to get there at like 7:45 am.
Me:  Oh yah I get it, I'm at work around 8:30 am everyday. 
Him:  That's like late compared to 7:45 am.
Me:  (thinking in my head…yah a whole 45 minutes really means a WORLD of difference)
Him:  Oh and I normally drink more.  Right now I'm just kind of off it because of my new job and I'm trying to stay focused.
Me:  Totally understand - I don't really drink much during the weeks and certainly not as much as I used to! (trying to convey that even if he didn't drink at all it really didn't matter to me)
Him:  NO - No I mean I get f*cked up on the weekends.  Like I'm a weekend warrior (yes folks he referred to himself as a "weekend warrior").  I get f*cked up on Friday, get up Saturday, run 5 miles, brunch it up and then get f*cked up again.  (did I mention he's almost 40?!)
Me:  Oh that's fun.

**Then we had a few other stupid conversations mainly about how great he is, etc.  Still yawning the whole time.**

Me:  I mean we can totally go if you're tired, want to head home.  (mind you I haven't even finished my beer).
Him:  Yah sounds good, let's go.

Game over.  Record time of 45 minutes.

Walk home…texting Anna and calling Hazel in Texas to just debrief.  I got home to this message from him:  "I'm sorry I was so lame. I'm usually not like that. I'mentally and physically fatigued, drained."  I just responded (which I shouldn't have even responded looking back) "no worries". 

Cut to me in DC.  Discussing this situation with Hillary & Sydney.  We kinda decided, maybe give him benefit of the doubt if he contacts me again.  I mean he's an ass, but maybe he was just off - who knows.  Saturday morning comes along…8 am…get a message from him.  Sydney and I were screeching a bit - she was like omg I bet he's just checking on you - kinda nice - let's open it.  I open it to find this gem…

"Hey, wanted to ask, did I look like my photos when u met me? Do I need to switch it up? Just curious…"

Soooo many emotions flew - Sydney and I were screaming and yelling and ranting and raving.  Who has the balls and audacity to send me that?!?!?!  I mean really?!  Did you really think that was a good idea??  Don't you have friends you can ask?!  What a D-BAG!!  Or as Anna calls him a "tinderk".

Over it!  

Done and done…on to the next…BTW I'm singing that Jay Z song in my head right now…

I’m on to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

Hold up, freeze

Somebody bring me back some money please…

**Photos from #Whatshouldwecallme and RealityTVGifs**

Sir Mix A Lot

My apologies...this was supposed to have been posted last week!!

Hello party people!  Things are getting rull cray to the cray over here!!  My sister gets married in T-4 days - ahhhhhh!!!  So this will be my last post until next week and of course I'll fill you in on all the deets. 

So as you know - I've been roped into joining Match again - which I'll say is gross (have I mentioned that yet?!).  last night they had one of their "mixer" events and I decided to go balls out and just do it.  I mean what is the worst that could happen - I have a drink and walk right back out.  I was so nervous - like sick to my stomach nervous.  I most likely should have had a strong beverage before I went.  Oh and btw I was going alone - I repeat I was going ALONE.  So I got myself looking good and off I went.  It was at this bar - nothing too special.  I got there a half hour late hoping that I wouldn't be the first/biggest dork there.  Oh and as I was approaching the bar there was a chalkboard sign on the sidewalk with this in ginormous letters "MATCH.COM" WITH AN ARROW!!  

I mean mortifying - I literally covered my face, walked in and hoped that no one saw me.  

When I got inside I, of course, made a beeline for the bar.  I wiggled my way up, there was a good number of people there, but I hadn't really scoped it all out yet.  The girl standing next to me and I started chatting.  Turned out she was in the same boat as me, came alone and was hating her life.  We of course became fast and furious friends.   So we found a spot and started to check out the scene.  EPIC FAIL. And by that I mean that there were 3 times the number of women there over men.  The men there were either creepy or about 5'5".  Have I mentioned that I'm 5'8"?!  So there's that.  We basically just chatted with each other and then finally I started talking to this guy.  I had made a rule in my head going in that I had to talk to at least one guy.  CHECK.  He was kind of a tool, but could at least carry on a conversation.  We talked for like 20 minutes and then he was like, "umm ok so I'm gonna go back and hang with my buddies".  Cool - so glad I just wasted 20 minutes of my life on you.  have fun with them. Just annoying - I mean I really wasn't feeling him, but he could have at least asked one of us for email/number/something.  It was just really awkward. 

The whole thing was just awkward.  Not pleasant.   But I mean I had a glass of wine out of it and that girl and I exchanged numbers - haha I love how those are the "digits" I came away with.  We both decided that we'd try one more event, maybe something a little more structured, and at least we'd be together next time so it won't be as daunting!

So we left and I was walking away realizing I was in major shoe pain, so I stopped to change into flats. This guy approaches me and he's like "oh did you just come from there" - points to the bar.  I mean did I have a sign on me that read "loser who belongs to match.com"?!  I was like "yah I did - enjoy!".  I had no interest.  Again with the shortness and then I was kinda creeped out because he kept asking to go to coffee with me and I didn't know what to do, so I did the obvious and said "oh sorry I'm on my way home I have a bunch of work calls I have to make".  What - that clearly does not even make any bit of sense!  Why do I do things like this?!  He then asks for my number so I bargained with him and gave him my match name.  actually I accidentally gave him the wrong one - but don’t worry he found me! 

So basically out of this evening I gave my info to 2 people - one female and one total stalker creep.  All in all I'd say it was a successful hour and a half. 

"New Year - New Girl"

Confession - this quote was stolen from one of my sister's friends - but I just couldn't resist.  Best. Statement.  Ever.  Sooo Happy New Year!!  I hope you're all hangover free and ready for 2012!! Today is my first day back at work in what seems like forever - totally not liking it!  But by tomorrow - I'll be back in the swing of things.  Did you all make your New Year's Resolutions?!  I have a few that I'll share - some are just for me - but maybe these will help you if you're stumped for what to do in this brand new year!!

#1 Get Back Into Shape

I know this one is a bit cliché, but it's necessary!!  I need to get back in a routine and back on a reasonable diet.  My brother is getting married in June and this girl would like to lose at least 10 pounds between now and then!!  Soooo - here we go! 

#2 Take A Class
I need to keep challenging myself.  I'm determined to take a class of some sort this year - whether it's academic or just something simple like a cooking class.  I just need to get my brain in motion and start making it work!  I'm getting too complacent in my job/life and I need to make a point to keep the old noggin active!

#3 Put Myself Out There
Now this is something that I constantly struggle with.  I try very hard to believe in "me" and realize all I have to offer.  But back in my head there is that constant fear of rejection.  I need to silence that and just get out there!  I have to get a better attitude of "if he doesn't like it, his lose".  It's a difficult thing for me and I find myself not trying, just because I fear the end result.  So this year - balls to the wall!

#4 Keep Writing

I'm really going to try my best to post on the blog as often as I possibly can!  It's hard sometimes and it's like "one more thing", but then I realize that I have people out there that enjoy what I write and that keeps me going!!  Sooooo I'm going to do my best!!

I hope these will help guide you to a great start to the year!  I'm already off to a good start by skipping the gym to go to the grocery store tonight!!  Whoops! 

Barcode

As I'm sure many of you are in my boat - I didn't always make the BEST choices in college. While I made sure I went to class, got good grades, created "networks" - some of my "social" decisions were less than stellar. Most of you were right beside me while these were taking place, sometimes cheering me on, sometimes joining in my stupidity (most of the time it was the latter). That being said - there is one particular "decision" that I'd like to discuss today. This "decision" goes by the name - Barcode.

I went to a small liberal arts college that was plagued with Ralph Lauren, Vineyard Vines, JCrew, Kate Spade and all things that are great. I melded right in, as did the majority of the campus. Of course there were a few that were "outside the box". One in particular was Barcode. Let me break this down for you…

1. He drove a motorcycle and also had a car -I believe it was Mustang
2. He more often than not was found wearing jeans and a white t-shirt - here's a visual, actually a few - he was a "cross" between these:

Minus the leather jacket of course...

By no means was Barcode as cute - but similar "bad boy" features

Again - minus the leather jacket - he had a lot of "Fonzie" characteristics

3. He was the allegedly the #1 drug dealer on campus - supplying the likes of many a "rich kid"
4. He had piercings
5. He had MULTIPLE tattoos - among them one that read something to the affect of "Death to the World", one that had the word "hell" in it, and my absolute FAVORITE one - was just simply a barcode on his neck:

Ok so now that I've painted you an image of Barcode - you can clearly see my attraction. He was like your typical "bad boy" type. Oh I should also mention that he was like 24 - when I was a junior in college - so I was 21 - and yes he was living in the dorms. He said he figured out his shiz a little later in life. Whatever floats your boat!

I first came into contact with Barcode when we were living in the same dorm. I realized that he was actually roommates with 2 of my friends then boyfriends. Jackpot! So we were hanging out in their dorm room/apartment and the 2 of us were really just hitting in off! I mean sparks were flying! So I did what any respectable girl would do - took him up to my room. Then things got a little cray cray. We just made out - nothing to redic - next thing I know - the kid takes my belt off with his teeth - oh, I'm sorry - what?! I didn’t know that was humanly possible.

It had this "clasp" - not easily "workable"!

And let me just show what kind of belt it was - not one that is easily taken off - in fact I - numerous times - had near bathroom emergencies when dealing with this belt. How the hell did this even happen?! Anyways - that sealed the deal - I was in love!

So our love affair continued and we made out when we saw each other - typical college. One day Coco said to me, "Where are you going with this? Do you honestly think you could bring that guy home to your parents?!" Point taken - my father would have a damn near heart attack and my mother would just sit there, prob in the corner rocking, wondering "where she went wrong". I did take this into consideration, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I mean I knew it was "wrong" on so many levels - but I just couldn't stop. He was my proverbial drug!

It all came to a screeching halt, however, one fateful night. We were walking home from one of the fraternity houses that we were at that night - obvi another amazing party. As he was walking me home - because he of course wanted to go back out - I mean it was only 3 am - he said the worst thing ever to me. He called me his "bitch". And not in a nice term of endearment way - I was his literal "bitch". Like I was at his beck & call and did what he said. OMG - I sobered up extremely quickly - whipped around in the middle of the field hockey field and yelled "I am NO ONE'S f'ing bitch! Do not come near me - I will walk myself home". And I did just that - I didn't even turn around. That was the last of Barcode. We of course saw each other periodically and I was cordial. He was always super nice to me and I do believe in his heart of hearts - he did not mean that at all. I'm sure he was on God knows what and it just came out. Or maybe he really did mean it and maybe in his eyes I was his "bitch" - for good or bad. Either way - my heart hurt.

I was sad for like AN second and then I found some other shenanigans to get into. Now he's just a fun story I talk about. He was my "bad boy". I never really needed another since then - I fulfilled that "requirement" on him. Which - in retrospect - is prob a good thing - I mean I got it out of the way early! Barcode is doing great things these days. He's really turned his life around. It was prob my "influence" in his life that got him back on track. He recalls the days & life with his "good girl" - and by that I mean "bitch".

Take Two

So Wine & Chocolate Guy texted me last week and asked me to hang out again!  So that’s a step in the right direction.  My weeks tend to get a little crazy and I knew I was going away this past weekend and this week is cray cray – so I threw out doing something Sunday when I got back from Long Island.  He agreed and said we’d talk on Sunday to figure out a plan.  Perfection! 

So after the weekend I had, please see previous post, you can imagine come Sunday how excited I was to have a date.  To say I was “raring to go” is an absolute LIE!  I was exhausted and cranky and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed with my PJs on and not leave until I had to go to work the next day.  I was kinda hoping he’d just forget, but alas – no such luck.  It had nothing to do with lack of wanting to see/hang out with him – I was just so spent!  Around 1pm I received a text from him asking if I was still up for hanging out – of course I replied, “Absolutely, I’m up for anything!”  Nevertheless, you can imagine how I felt when he said that we could go to this craft beer festival in Chelsea.  It was nice enough for him to think/plan our activity, so I felt like I couldn’t say I wasn’t up for it, but pretty much this was my reaction…

I said “so fun – see you there”.  So I dragged myself home, showered and tried to wake myself up.  The last thing on Earth that I wanted to do was go taste some beer – but I ponied up.  In my head this “festival” was going to be outdoors, so I layered myself up – jeans, boots, heavy sweater, down puffy vest and a cute scarf.  I felt semi-cute, all things considered. 

I finally get to where I’m meeting him and we say our “hellos” and then it came to my attention that this was in fact an “inside thing”.  So we go inside and it looks fun – but there are no places for coats, etc. and everyone is just walking around.  So I’m trying to go with the flow and start taking “samples”.  So we were having fun, walking around, tasting beer/food.  He knew a few people, so we were, once again, treated as VIP.  The longer we stayed there, the hotter I got.  At one point he was in the middle of this whole story and all I could think about was the sweat dripping down my back because of all my layers and “warm clothes”. 

When we’d had enough of the festival, we decided to grab dinner.  We went to this cute wine bar and had a few drinks/small plates.  The conversation was good and I don’t think I even embarrassed myself! 

So all in all – second date was a success.  I texted him and said I had a great time and thanked him for everything (he once again paid for everything).  He texted right back that had fun too and we’d hang out again soon.  So I’ll keep you all posted on our progress!!

Mismatched

While in AC I had a few blog post “requests”.  One of which was more Match emails!  So I’ve compiled a few more of my faves for your pleasure and thought it’d be fun to dissect them and discuss!

Email: 

Good afternoon....Please forgive me if I am being forward but I must say I am captivated by your beauty and moved by your words.

Reaction:

Seriously?!  First of all – “captivated by my beauty” – puuulease – corniest line ever!  And “moved by my words” – my profile talks about how I enjoy Pinot Noir and french fries – a far cry from a Pulitzer!

Email:

Are you realllllly leading with a Journey song?? Hmmmm ... not sure about that one ... At least I went with Super Mario Brothers ...

Reaction:

Gut reaction – I pretty much hate you.  My lil “catchphrase” is “Just a small town girl…” because it’s not only catchy – but it’s true.  I mean I know he was prob trying to be funny – but insulting me is not so much funny.  And Super Mario Brothers – like really?!  Are you a 10-year-old boy??  Hein!

Email:

holy moly...you're a hottie! Can a man get a conversation? I know what you're thinking and YES I do have pics! Im just wary ofposting them online for the world to see! So, if you like, I can send you pics....care to chat?

Reaction:

Oh really, you know what I’m thinking?!  Pretty sure I’m not really thinking about your pics – I’m more thinking about what a creepster you are and how I think you need your spellcheck.  And not just that – but seriously – you’re “wary” of posting – then why the heck are you on Match?!  And to answer your question – no sir, a man can not get a conversation.

Email:

Ok, time to hit eBay to find that shiny armor to go with my white horse.

Peace, piece & peas!

Reaction:

Ok – kinda funny white horse – haha.  But then again, not so much – a lil cheesy.  But the part about this email that really got me was the closing – what does that even mean?!  I have no idea what he was even getting at!

Email:

So you're going to look and not going to say anything?....lol Wow, was my profile that bad?....lol You must've found out about my five illegitimate children across the U.S. that I don't take care of.....:-) Regardless, I wanted to say hi!

Reaction:

Ok so backstory, I clicked on this profile for like AN second, by accident.  And this is the email I get.  I didn’t even mean to click on it! Seriously – you’re going to call me out on it?!  And p.s. – “joking” about illegitimate children with someone you’ve never met – doesn’t really bring the lol’s!

Oh and for all who were wondering – the guy I had the date with the other night – has not contacted me again!  Like wtf?!  So do I reach out to him first?!  Is that too forward?!  This is why I hate this stuff – I hate the mind games that I now have to play. I thought he was into me – he texted me before I even got home from our date!  But maybe he had more wine than I thought, was a lil drunk, and then woke up Thursday and realized he wasn’t into me.  I mean seriously – I hate that I’m even writing about this now – why am I such a girl?!  And why do girls do this?!   Please enlighten me and tell me how I should proceed!!

And a quick update – so literally right after I wrote this and got all worked up about that dude and went on my lil rant – pretty sure he texted me! 

Wine + Chocolate = Not A Bad First Date!

So I had my big date last night and I apologize for the delay in posting this, but I got in a lil later than I expected - so I had to write it up this morning! Let me break this all down for you from start to finish and then we can re-hash and dwell on every lil bit of the date! Because you know - that's what we do!

I wasn't meeting him until 7 pm, which was a lil annoying because I'm usually ready to leave work by 5:30 pm and I didn't have enough time/it didn't make sense for me to go all the way home and then come back down to the restaurant. So basically I had some time to kill. I figured I'd run over to Sephora and pick up something and then run to my gym, "freshen up" and head on down. Quick side note - I had to go to Sephora for a nude lip gloss that I have been after for quite some time. I didn't know what brand/exactly what I was looking for, but a girl helped me and I would up with this one….completely AMAZING!!! It's NARS lip gloss in "Striptease" - I'm obsessed!

Ok back to my story…So while I'm in Sephora and this girl is helping and we finally find the NARS lip gloss, she starts telling me about the NARS event that they were doing at the store that night. Next thing I know I'm sitting in a chair preparing to get my makeup done…oh, I'm sorry, what?! I have NO IDEAwhat I was thinking and why I thought this would be a good idea! It all happened so quickly I didn't even have time to think. And then I started to have a panic attack as I was waiting for my "make up artist" to come over. I just had flashbacks of the last time I got my make up done in this setting and I had the "smokey eye" from hell! Ruby & Sydney can attest to it! I looked like a $5 hooker. I kid you not, I had never looked like more of a prostitute in my life! So you can imagine my sheer panic when I see this woman came flying at me with fluorescent red lipstick and purple eye shadow - she was like a brunette Charo! She was from Miami and Cuban. Her English was a lil rocky, but I just kept stressing I needed a "natural" look. Basically I was the worst customer ever! I kept pulling back, wiping things off, not letting her do things. She kept assuring me I would look gorgeous and he'd instantly fall in love! When all was said and done - she actually did a good job! I was sweating and stressed - but it came out looking very natural and not overdone at all - and NO SMOKEY EYES!

Off I went to the restaurant with my new lip gloss and make up done! Perfect. I actually got there, got a seat at bar and promptly asked the bartender if I looked like a whore (in so many words). The great part was that the restaurant was very dark, so you really couldn't see anyway! So I was sitting there waiting and this guy sits down next to me. Second time I that night I began to panic - he was like totally not good looking at all, but I kept trying to see if maybe it was him. And then in my head I kept saying, maybe he's nice, Lizzie, don’t' judge! Sweating.  But alas, it wasn't him…my date walked in just a few minutes after!

So first impression - he was cute - he knew people at the restaurant (owners, etc) and was treated like the Mayor! He came right over apologized that I had to wait and we got escorted right to our table…which had a "reserved" sign on it - actually there were 2 "reserved" and he let me pick the one I wanted. So I thought that was good - he thought ahead, made a reservation (because it was really crowded). We immediately began talking about all sorts of things, conversation flowed and it was really easy. Not awkward at all! He's really nice, interesting, asked good questions, told funny stories, made jokes. I embarrassingly dropped my fork (only me) and it made such a commotion - like it must have hit about 20 things on the way down to the floor - and everyone looked - but he made a joke and I laughed - which for me - is a good sign! We split a bottle of wine and ordered some "sharing plates". The food was excellent and the wine was delish! We even got some chocolate at the end of dinner -soooo good! I actually looked at my watch as were finishing and it was 10:30 pm!  Soo much later than I anticpated this date going!  The check came and he paid immediately, I offered money - but he declined. Another plus in my book! Then he walked me to find a cab - actually like 5 blocks out of his way and made sure I got one - again very nice! He then texted me like right away and said he had a great time and how much fun he had. Which - since I'm so over the "games", etc - I thought was great. I thanked him again for dinner and walking me to a cab and he said we'd "talk soon".

All in all - it was great first date! I was a lil nervous to get "back in the saddle", so I'm glad it all went well! Who knows if he'll call again - but it sounds promising! I try not to place too much stock in first dates - my track record isn't good! But I'll keep you all posted and for now this story is: "to be continued…"

High School Heinousness Chapter 1: Benched

First off – I’d like to thank all of you that offered up your opinions for my date tomorrow night.  I’m gonna go with Option 1!  And of course – I’ll give you all a full recap after the fact!

Now for today’s post.  I’m sitting here watching Glee, which is by far one of my fave shows, and it’s jogging my memory a bit.  I’ve been thinking back to my high school days.  To say I didn’t care for high school is prob an understatement.  I hated it.  I just really didn’t enjoy it one bit.  Of course I had my moments of OMG this is awesome – but as a whole, I would never want to go back!  I mean I wasn’t a total loser or anything – I had friends, I was in “smart classes”, I played sports, was in the play (that was cool), student council, and in about everything club under the sun.  The main problem was I was in a class of “mean girls”.  They were just not nice!  I did def have friends and all – but it was a tough group!  High school just brought so much dramz.  So I was thinking back to a few of my most embarrassing/ridiculous times in high school and thought I’d begin to share them with you.  Of course, I can’t let them all out at once – so here’s the first installment!

I think it was my junior year.  I was a field hockey player back then and I was starting varsity – best thing ever.  I was at practice and we had a big game that week.  We had just started our season, so these first few were important to me to try to “keep my spot” on varsity.  So we had to go out for a long run, our coach was like a running lunatic – she didn’t run – but thought it was fun to pretend we were all on the track team.  On the “trail” that we had to go on, we passed the boys soccer team.  Trying to be the suave person you all know, I decided that it would be in my best interest to sprint and make it look like I was such a fast runner in front of them.  So my friend and I started out on this brilliant plan.  I was running so sexy and fast that I neglected to realize that there was a wooden bench right in front of me.  I was at top speed, like I’m talking full out sprint, and I ran right into the bench!  My leg cracked right into the end of the bench.  I flew in the air and landed on the ground.  So not embarrassing at all!  And all of this was going down in front of the boy’s soccer team – and I wondered why I didn’t have a boyfriend in high school?!  I rolled over and my friend was hovering over me in shock of what just went down.  My right shin was gushing blood and turning purple.  I couldn’t even put any weight on it.  I had to limp into the trainer and have her take a look.  She took one look at me and freaked out.  She yelled for me to get up on the table quickly as she was running over to get bags of ice.  I laid there and she told me to “hang on”.  She then proceeded to grind ice into my leg – as I laid there white knuckled – seriously worst pain ever!  I couldn’t even yell, cry, nothing could even come out – agonizing!  She said that if she didn’t do that, then I wouldn’t be able to walk for a week because I’d have a ginormous hematoma on my leg.  Awesome!  So she wrapped me up and off I limped.  Oh and I didn’t mention that I was not allowed to play field hockey for at least a week.

I then had to explain to my coach why I couldn’t play and my parents and the teachers and kids/friends that asked why I had the enormous ace bandage wrapping up my entire leg.   And I’m sure you can imagine that everyone took this information and was nothing but concerned and sympathetic about what happened (I mean besides my parents).  They had a field day – not even my teachers held back!  Again – not embarrassing at all.  Obvi I laughed it off and lol’d about it (while crying myself to sleep at not) – but really it was just one more reason why high school wasn’t the “best years of my life”.  

Dating Dress Code

Happy President’s Day!!  Hope you all had a great day and got to enjoy a 3-day weekend.  If you didn’t have off – sorry!!  And can I just mention for a second that this weather is absolutely insane!  I was eating outside on Friday night and it was snowing today – I can’t handle these extremes!!

Ok, so now for the real issue at hand.  I need some advice.  I have date on Wednesday night and the big question remains – what’s a girl to wear?!  We all know I’ve had issues in the past with wardrobe malfunctions on first dates – so I’d like to avoid that at all costs!  We are going to a chocolate/wine bar - so he's already scoring points - those are 2 of my fav things!  It has to be something I would wear to work, because I won’t have enough time to run home before I have to meet him.  So here are my thoughts.  Option 1 – a short black dress, zips up the back (so no buttons to deal with), black tights, and possibly my red pumps.  Option 2 – black wrap dress (and yes I'm aware of the dangers of a wrap dress), fun black tights and maybe black boots.  Obvi I think black is a good way to go – nice and slimming!  I just don’t know what way to go.  I need help!!  This is one down fall of not having a roommate – Sydney ALWAYS told me when I looked like an idiot and when I was date ready! 

So the decision is in your hands – HELP ME!!  And, as always, other thoughts/ideas are welcome!

Downward Dog

I was dating this guy; we’ll just refer to him as Downward Dog (DD for short).   Things were going really well and I was really beginning to like him a lot.  He traveled a lot for work, so we didn’t get to see each other that often, but we talked a lot and really got to know each other.  Although he wasn’t really my “type”, we really did click and I was just trying to “go with it”.   So you imagine how nervous/excited I was when he invited me over for a “movie date” on a Friday night.  We had been dating for over a month then and I still got butterflies.  At this point, we had only kissed, so I figured we’d at least make out/spoon.  I should also note that he was leaving that Monday to go to Iraq for work.  Basically he needed to be fitted for “full body gear” and he was going into very dangerous territory.  He worked for the government and did a lot of this risky detail.

On my drive over, I happened to get stuck in the worst traffic of life.  It took me about 3 hours to get to his apartment (it should have taken 20 minutes – he lived next door to Ruby – so I knew the exact time it took!!).  So by the time I got there, I was a mess.  I was like a raw nerve.  I just wanted a beer and to relax.  So we ordered pizza and had a few drinks.  We watched a movie – I believe it was Superbad, obviously, I mean we were 2 mature adults!  And then came the awkward, movie over- should we make out – what’s gonna happen – I’m not drunk enough for this uncomortableness.  So we went into his room and started to make out.  It was going ok; I thought there were a few things that were strange/not what I was used to.  But what the hell – right?!  And then it happened – he contorted my body into such a state, I didn’t even know what the hell to do.  I wanted to cry/scream.  But the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “umm haven’t done my yoga today, so…”.  Ummm – what?!  Why do these things come out of my mouth?  Of course he took some offense to that – obvi he’s a guy and God forbid you give any “criticism”.  So the making out stopped abruptly and we went to sleep.  AWKWARD was an understatement.  I left the next morning and told him I’d call him later. 

I called him the next day to see if he wanted to do something.  He said he was busy packing and that he prob wouldn’t have time.  Basically I was getting the cold shoulder.   I was pretty upset because I feel like it wasn’t that big of a deal, but obvi I’m not the best when it comes to guys!  So I let it go and told him to call me when he got home. 

While he was gone, he sent me a bunch of emails with pictures and stories.  He was gone for about 3 weeks, so it was great that we were still talking throughout the whole time.  His last week there, he told me he couldn’t wait to see me and that he’d call as soon as he got home.  I was so relieved and excited that things were going to go back to normal.  So you can imagine my concern when I hadn’t heard from him days after he was supposed to get back.  I totally figured he was killed in Iraq and I’d never see him again.  I was panicked.  Literally Googling “DD and Iraq and US Government and Dead”.  

I was at Ruby’s house the following weekend for a sleepover/wine night.  We were pondering what could have happened, dwelling, as we do.  I called him again and left a message.  This was the second one and this time I was like “hi it’s me – just wanna know if you’re dead”.  Nothing.  So basically Ruby and I figured he was dead – I didn’t even know what to do with myself.

The next morning Ruby and I went to brunch up the street from her apartment.  We were walking and talking when all of a sudden I looked up and see someone walking towards me.  My words couldn’t come out – I was like “umm that’s not.  Is that?  It can’t be? Holy crap it is!”  Ruby wasn’t quite sure what was going on but just stared at me in wonderment.  He approached me and I stopped in front of him and said, “oh, hi DD – good too see you’re alive and well”.  He was like “oh yah I got back the other day and I’ve been so busy.  I’m just heading back from the gym”.  Oh, I’m sorry you’re so busy going to the GYM and all that he couldn’t even call me!  I was livid.  Ruby – not as quick on the uptake of my anger, blurts out, “we’re having a pool party – do you want to come?  I live right next door to you and you should come!  It’s so hot you should come take a swim.”  Pretty sure if he stepped foot into that pool area I was going to drown him!  So we awkwardly parted ways and I didn’t look back.

After that day I only heard from DD one more time.  It was obvious he was drunk and was just looking for a lil Lizzie – pretty sure he didn’t get any!  I’m sorry – fool me once into thinking you’re dead, shame on you; fool me twice…and you’re dead to me!

Big Red

Chaz and I had just started dating; it was all so new and exciting! He invited me out to meet some of his college friends at this bar downtown. Not being one to turn down an invite for a night of fun and with the new boy, I accepted! Since we had just started dating, I was still in that uncomfortable, I don’t want to be the only girl, stage. So I called Syrah and to see if she’d be there, too. Chaz and her bf were friends, so I figured she’d prob be going. Done and done – it would be a great night! So I got to the bar and Chaz was already there with his friends, but no one else was in sight. So I grabbed a drink and tried to relax, telling myself Syrah would be there shortly. Enter this lunatic girl (we’ll call her Big Red) that Chaz seemed to know, she came flying up to him yelling about how Syrah couldn’t get into the bar because she had left her ID at home. So my first reaction, I said, “where is she, we can go to a different bar”. To which Big Red looked at me with disdain and told me she just put Syrah in a cab and sent her home, she wasn’t going to not go out just because Syrah didn’t have her ID. EWWWWW is all I could think. I had just met this girl for like AN second and I already did not enjoy her! I texted Syrah and told her I’d leave and come hang out or meet her somewhere. She said no that I should just stay and have fun. So I wound up staying and Big Red eventually left, thank God, so I enjoyed the rest of my night!

Cut to the following Monday morning. I had just gotten into work only to find that there was a “surprise” orientation that I needed to administer. I was running around like an idiot trying to find a projector, which I found, BROKEN, obvi. I ran back to my desk to quickly check my email. I noticed an email from Syrah about some movie theatre that you could drink in and she wanted to go. I quickly sent her an email back and told about what a biznatch Big Red was on Saturday night and I totally had her back, but the girl she thought was her “friend”, totally ditched her! I couldn’t believe how Big Red behaved and I was just trying to look out for Syrah. Sent. I was gathering up the rest of the stuff I needed for this orientation and glanced at my screen. 4 new messages?! 3 of which were from Ruby – hmmmm that’s strange. I opened it up to find Ruby exclaiming “YOU HIT REPLY–ALL AND BIG RED WAS ON THE EMAIL!!!” Ahhhhhhhh – sheer panic rushed over me. I began to sweat profusely and quickly re-read the original email that Syrah had sent. Not only was Big Red on the email – but so were CHAZ and all of his friends!! So this guy that I just started dating and all his friends just got to read me reaming out one of their own friends, Big Red. FML!!! I tried quickly to “retract” the email I sent. Oh news flash – YOU CAN’T! The only thing that happens is that it re-sends your email about 10 more times. So now all these people have like 10 of my email rant– I hate my life! And I had to go deliver this orientation. So I left my desk and tried to stop sweating and calm down – trying to tell myself it was no biggie – we’d all just laugh – haha. The orientation was awful and I’m pretty sure the guy prob quit like 2 days later after the ridiculousness of that presentation.

Finally I was done and able to go back to my desk. I now had about 20 emails, including a few from Chaz. Fingers crossed he didn’t hate me!! Thank God he didn’t and just thought it was incredibly funny. But then I tried to figure out what to do about Big Red. I’m not a mean person and I just felt awful – it was eating away at me. So I emailed her that I was sorry and obvi thought it was only going to Syrah. I told her that I was upset with her “behavior” that night and that Syrah was my friend, so I was just looking out. She was “cool” about it and told me she “understood”. I knew she hated me and every time I saw her after she gave me the dirtiest looks. Not that I blamed her – I’d probably hate me too.

So I continued my day – and friends let me tell you – Karma is a bitch. I not only had all those things happen that morning, but I went to go put back the equipment after the orientation and I split my pants right up the back – yup up the middle – pants completely split. Awesome – best day ever!!

Moral of this post – watch your REPLY-ALLS. Most of the time they are not necessary and they will only get you in trouble! Take heed to this warning!!

Game Set Match

So I took all your advice - and by all I mean all 3 of you that "commented" and told me to do it - and I joined Match.com. Much to my dismay, I figured it might be worth a shot. So I did my little profile, put up pictures of myself (obvi cropped because I don’t' have any solo action shots), and I hit "submit". And then I waited for the onslaught of suitors. Womp womp…pretty sure the next day I did not get a-one! Wahhhhhh! Why is this my life? I have even resorted to Match and a girl still can't catch a break! So I waited some more and gave it a full 24 hours. I got a few "winks" and then the fun began. The creepsters came out of hiding and have found their prey! Here is just one email I got, and let me describe the "sender". He looks like a serial killer, he has blond greasy hair that is slicked to his head, the one and only picture he has up is him up close and personal with the camera, he is not smiling, and it's in black & white. His "catch phrase" is: Looking for a girlfriend or penfriend. Oh, I’m sorry what?!?! Like what does that even mean - if you can't have a girlfriend you'll settle for a pen pal?! Oh and he is seeking females "18-35". Ok creepster! So this is the email I get from him. Subject: hi. Email: ur beautiful. Ewww I felt like I just needed to go to take a shower after I opened that up! I was so weirded out! Don't worry - I've already blocked him from ever seeing my profile again!

I also received this lovely sentiment, which I'm still trying to piece together. The subject of the email is: Smiles and this is what it said, verbatim (notice the grammar) and in this format:

I live on Lexington Av NYC ..I travel 1 week /month
if you are too busy In NY
the 2nd option is :
we can meet in London this week-end or Paris Next week-end
why you are :-)
I'm serious..try
or we can meet befor friday ( goind to Uk and france)
We can have dinner
why not ...
From DC to NY (3 hours / train )
meeting me in NY is 20 Min (Taxi)
meeting me in Paris (6hours)

Ok poetry! WTF?! I mean really - it doesn’t even make sense - like not even a little bit!

So…fingers crossed this online dating thing starts to pick up the pace! And for all you "encouragers" out there - ATHANK YOU VERY MUCH for making me do this and deal with all these whack jobs!!!

I Just Want To Have Sex With You

So this guy asked me out. I didn't really know how I felt about him, but trying to be open minded, I obliged. I met him at a restaurant for a dinner date. We had dinner and conversation was flowing, I thought – this might not be bad. We stayed for a few drinks after dinner and were getting along great. So we decided to continue the date at another bar. We were standing outside trying to decide where to go, when he suggested that we go back to his apartment. I giggled a bit and said I didn’t think I was ready for that, but would love to have another drink, so let’s pick a place. I mean really - I don't even know this guy - there was NO WAY I was going to take myself to his apartment! To which he replied, “Really, I don’t care where we go. Bottom line, I just want to have sex with you, so it doesn’t matter how we get to the end result. But the end result will be you and me at my apartment having sex.” Oh, I'm sorry, what?! I didn’t know quite how to respond to that other than to laugh awkwardly. Then I quickly realized he was dead serious, so I said, “Whelp it’s getting late – gotta catch the metro – thanks for dinner”! And that was that – I left – actually I think I may have even jogged a bit!

Bad Date #47

So I’m on this date with this guy that I had just met. He asked me to meet him at this trendy wine bar at 6:30 pm. So of course I’m obvi there on time (if you don’t know I’m a lil anal/ OCD – especially when it comes to time). He rolls in at 7:15 – no apologies – nothing! Right off the bat I’m annoyed. He then sits down and we start chatting. He of course, only talks about himself and asks me no questions. Then he begins to tell me that he doesn’t believe in marriage and thinks it’s a horrible idea – Oh I’m sorry what is the point of this date?!?! So then I’m just trying to wrap things up ASAP and we get the check. He says to me that we can just split it – despite the fact that I had a $6 glass of wine and he had a $30 WINE FLIGHT!! I say fine, I just wanted to leave and throw down the money. As we’re saying goodbye and I’m going to get my coat on, I have my back turned, he goes, “well good to meet you, have a good night, I see some people I know…” as I hear him trailing off. I can’t even get up quick enough before he’s gone to this table of girls! I was like – ok well, you’re a real treat! I was so annoyed I threw my scarf on and walked out in a huff!

Richard

Oh Richard, where do I even begin?!?! I met him at my five year college reunion. We were out at our old “stomping grounds” and he was randomly there with his boys from college on a guys golf weekend. He also had this lil (and I stress lil) friend with him, Tate. For whatever reason, Tate took a shine to me – of course I was probably the tallest girl in the whole damn bar and this 5 foot nothing guy was the only one vying for my attention – FML. Anyways – Tate took my number when we realized we all lived in DC and we should totally all be besties.

Tate proceeded to call and email me just about 3 times a day and was so excited to come to my birthday party the following week. So they showed up at my party and after everyone pretty much left, except me, Ruby and a few random co-workers, Richard and I shared a moment – I was totally smitten!

Next time I saw him was at this bar and one thing led to another – next thing I know I’m buying shots and then I’m in his bed! Whoops and whoops! We had a great night – I was totally into him and everything was great. I woke up the next morning and realized that I actually had to go to work and I felt like I may die a slow and painful death. The only words I could muddle out were, “what are my coordinates?” to which he responded, “I’m sorry are we playing Battleship?” And romance began! So he grabbed me a cab and I realized – I’m in the same outfit I wore yesterday! So I did what any respectable girl would do – had the cab driver drop me off at Macy’s. I then wandered around like a sketchy homeless woman (because I had not showered, makeup everywhere, and my hair was a total mess). It is there that I bought probably one of my most favorite purchases ever! It totally seemed normal and amazing at the time. It was a powder blue button down (wrinkle free) shirt with a pattern on it to go with my black pants that I was ok re-wearing. Like in the whole entire store – this was the only thing that made sense?!?! So off I went to work – showered in our gym and made it only a few minutes late!

So our hooking up continued for a few months – totally said I was fine being casual – meanwhile I was planning the nursery in our “nautical themed” child’s room! No I’m not that crazy – but I did really like him. One night I was supposed to meet him at his apartment after a night out with the girls. Well a night with the girls consisted of Syrah, Ruby and I doing Power Hour and then getting obliterated at Gin & Tonic. By the time I got to his apartment I was a disaster. Let’s just say that in the cab, the guy stopped short and I got myself stuck sideways between my seat and the front seat. I panicked and thought I’d never free myself. But I did. So I proceeded to call Richard incessantly, it kept going straight to voicemail and when he didn’t answer I took myself into his lobby and proceeded to tell the guard that I needed to see him but I didn’t know his apartment number. After much negotiation and anger – I left. And with that I also left one final voicemail that went something like this “oh I’m sorry did you think I was just some kind of whore that would show up to your apartment and keep doing this and I’m not a whore – you don’t deserve me. Why did you tell me to come over – I’m sorry I came – I shouldn’t have come – I’m never coming again…” then I think I probably trailed off and realized that I was in the middle of nowhere at 3:30 in the morning by myself and should really focus my efforts on getting myself home.

Well I’m sure you can predict the outcome – we never really spoke after that...until one ridiculous night. He just needed to come back for some more Lizzie! And that is a story for another day!

To Match Or Not To Match – THAT Is The Question!

So I’m going back and forth and trying to figure out if this is something that I want to do or not. I’ve been down this road before and hated every second of it. But, I do feel like it would provide you all endless laughs (at my expense) and it would give me new material. I mean I know that I’m new to this city and it may be a good source of meeting new people. And it’s not like meeting guys at bars is soooo easy! And for those reasons I think it would be good. I mean – it’s a free drink (most of the time) and you never know who you’ll meet.

However, on the flip side, quite frankly I hate it. I hate feeling like I’m “paying” for love. I hate sorting the good from the bad. I hate the awkward first dates. I hate having all those creepsters email me and say things like (and these are direct quotes) “Ok, time to hit eBay to find that shiny armor to go with my white horse”, “Hey gorgeous. How are you today?”, and one of my personal favorites “yonight I'm cooking you an AMAZING dinner at my condo in Arlington (Courthouse Area). Afterwards renting a romantic dvd at Hollywood Video and chillin' and enjoyin each other's company. All other plans you had are officially cancelled! :)”. Oh, I'm sorry...what?!?! Are those amazing sentiments supposed to make me swoon?! So after those fine words, I hope you can see why I may be hesitant.

So I’ll leave this decision up to you. Tell me what I should do!! Do I suck it up and embrace the creeps of NYC or do I tuck up in my apartment and hope Prince Charming comes knocking on my door?!

Flashing Someone on the First Date = Awkward

I’m so excited that I had a date. I went out and bought a brand new dress – thinking I’m so cute! It’s had these lil tiny gold buttons up the front and it took me like 20 minutes to button myself and my fingers were practically bleeding – but I looked cute damnit! So I was meeting this guy and of course Ruby and I decide it’s in my best interest to have a few glasses of wine before I go, to calm my nerves and all. So we go down to the bar in our office building and get 3 glasses of wine – whoops- Lizzie is a lil tipsy! So I go to meet him and he’s already there. I’m so frazzled and of course sweating (again – a lil thing about me – major sweating problem – so attractive!). So he asks if he can get me a glass of wine – I of course oblige. Then we go over to a more “intimate” part of the bar so we can talk. So I go to take my snap up coat off and snap all the buttons and I’m trying to get my arms out when I look down and low and behold my dress is unbuttoned down to my bellybutton! Yes – my whole bra and stomach are hanging out and of course I panic. I don’t do the logical thing and put my coat back on – oh no – I try to wrestle with my coat and flail about like a lunatic trying to get it off as quickly as possibly so I can make myself descent once again – all the while saying “haha I don’t normally do this on the first date (awkward laugh)”. Let’s just say the date was fine – but he did not call back!

Guilty Pleasures

So it’s come to my attention that my so-called “guilty pleasures” may be getting in the way of my dating life. I mean kind of a problem – but I’m not sure I’m ready to remedy this situation! Let me break this down for you. Every night, well Monday – Thursday, I have certain TV shows that I need to watch. My schedule is as follows:

Monday – 90210 & Gossip Girl
Tuesday – Glee & Hellcats
Wednesday – Modern Family & Real Housewives of either BH, OC, NJ, or NY
Thursday – The Office, 30 Rock & Jersey Shore
And while I’m admitting things – I do enjoy a good Jerseylicious on Sunday nights followed by the Kardashians & maybe Holly’s World

That being said – you can understand that with that kinda line up – a girl stays busy! So this guy, that I will say I’m not really feeling, asked me to grab a drink one night this week. And I can’t really believe that I’m admitting this – but I told him the only day I could do something was Tuesday (knowing full well that Glee was a repeat). What is wrong with me?! And he can’t do Tuesday night – so my response was “well maybe next week”. I know that if I was really excited – I’d be all over it, but I mean I’d rather be watching my shows than go out! Am I wrong?! Please validate these guilty pleasures!!

I DON’T WANT TO

It all started one fateful night when Syrah and I found ourselves the only girls in our group that were up for a night on the town. After a wonderful date at Matchbox where we tried our hardest to rally and not fall asleep in our sliders – we decided to meet a group of guys (mostly Syrah’s friends) at this bar downtown. An important note is that this was probably like one of the first times I had gone out after Chaz and I had broken up – so I was trying to put myself out there and all my friends were pushing me to get back in the game! So off I went!

Shortly after we got there and a few redheaded sluts later – I found myself in the arms of a very good looking guy – the older brother of one of Syrah’s friends. His name was Bumble. I just thought he was the cutest thing and was taking an interest in me – which is not very common! So I did what any 20 something would do – I went home with him and we hooked up in his awesome basement bedroom – so romantic. And I actually now that I’m remembering this – I tried to block a lot out – I believe none other than Michael Jackson was playing in the background. The next morning was the usual – me trying to figure out where the hell I was, an awkward hug, and a bad case of “walk of shame” as my friend drove me to the metro.

So being the girl that I am – the following week I was so excited when I found out that he was going to be at a bar I was going to after the High Heel Races (drag queens running the streets of Dupont Circle the night before Halloween – a fine DC tradition). So after quite a few drinks and drag queens – we met up with the boys. I walked in and there was Bumble – my hopes were high and I was feeling good! After a few more drinks and several awkward looks/ stares – I got my liquid courage up to go talk to him. Here was my thought process – I’m a mature woman – I can talk to this guy and ask if he wants to grab a drink after work. I mean after all, we did share an intimate night with the Pop Prince. So that’s what I did – I went up to him and smiled my best smile (it’s propably also a good time to note that I have no game – like zero – most likely negative – most of my attempts come out awkward and never as I had envisioned). So we chatted for a lil bit and then I said, “Would you like to grab a drink after work this week”. He looked at me like a deer in headlights and despite his efforts – no words even came out of his mouth. To which I responded (ever so confident), “I mean if you don’t want to – its totally fine – just tell me that – no big deal…” And that is when he was able to form words again and said simply – while looking deep into my eyes, “I DON’T WANT TO”. There it is folks – I don’t want to. I’m sorry, WHAT?!?! Just four simple words. My response – I turned around – grabbed a random drink on the table where Ruby and Sydney were anxiously waiting for me to tell them about the date I had the next night, poured it down my throat, threw my hand in the air – made a circular motion with my index finger and yelled “Sydney” and out we went. I of course waited until I was in the cab to burst into hysterical tears and the poor cab driver was throwing napkins at me saying “stooopid boys”.