NUT CAP SHELL

So Spring has Sprung…apparently.  According to my allergies at least.  According to actual temperatures…not so much.  I'm hoping for a lil warm up soon!  A little update on my life…some positive, some not so much.  BUT I know I've been a lil MIA, so this should cover the past few weeks.  It's a lil "Pro Con Pro"…sorority style flashback.

+ I went to Chicago & Houston to see some very fabulous friends.
                

·       In Chicago we did a lil shopping, caught up with old friends, ate/drank (are you seeing a theme here?!), went to RPM (which we ordered just about everything on the menu and it was all amazing - despite not seeing G&B - it was a fabulous time), and we went out and pretended to be young again.  All in all - a fantastic trip.  Chicago is one of my fave cities - the people are great the food is great - so much good going on there!
·       In Houston I went to a rodeo, ate some amazing food, drank some amazing margs and   beers outside and yup - went to a Crawfish Boil.  It was pretty much one of the best weekends ever - further fueling my "maybe I SHOULD move to Texas and just succumb to the fact that I might belong there" theory. 

- I had to sit in a doctor's office waiting for an appointment and this was what I dealt with:

·       A guy bringing his dog in a little bag and pretending like no one is seeing it.  Did I mention this was a doctor's office?!  And the dog would bark and the guy would just like look around like nothing was going on - still pretending he wasn't trying to stealthily sneak a dog into his appointment.

·       The obnoxious woman next to me told the receptionist that she didn't have time to wait (like the rest of us are all just free birds with nothing else to do but wait for the doctor).  Then she was filling out a form for her and her husband and she looked at him and goes "what is your birthday".  Ummm what?!  This is your husband.  He was like - "you don't know?!".  To which she replied "I can't remember everything."  If that relationship isn't rock solid I don’t know what is.  Annnnd then she proceeded to call someone they were discussing a "whore monger"…she was a real peach.

·       Another woman decided that it was in the best interest of the whole waiting room to hear her play whatever ridiculously loud game she was playing on her phone.  Awesome.

+ My co-workers and I decided to organize a House Crawl this past weekend.  It was pretty much amazing.  We went to 3 different apartments, had shirts made, drank too much and just kinda fratted out a bit.  It was a really good bonding experience. 

+ My sister and I met Mindy Kaling.  Yup - that's right - got a picture and all.  We went to an event at Bliss that she was at and next thing we kenw we were lined up waiting to see her…and then all of a sudden we were in a photo booth with her.  My sister sat on her lap, we had 4 "poses"…one of which my sister gave her a noogie.  Sooo that happened.  She was as awesome and fun as you would think she'd be!

+ I did a massive Spring Cleaning - got rid of 4 bags of clothes (donated them of course) and just really cleaned things up!!

- I had to go through stuff I hadn't seen in years...including things I prob wish I never saw again.  I.e. cards from old boyfriends, things I thought I threw out, cards/notes from people I don't even know who they are…aka "Can't wait to see you when you get back.  Have fun with your family.  Love you!! John". Ummmmm I don’t or remember one person named John.  I have zero idea who it is and who sent me such love notes.  

+ Saw a few good plays, movies, TV shows…

·       Bullets Over Broadway with Zach Braff - really good!  It's a new show on Broadway and I definitely recommend it!

·       The Other Woman - my sister and I saw this the other night.  I wasn't expecting to like it as much as I did - honestly I laughed out loud in more m parts than not.  It wasn't like "best movie ever" - but it was exactly what I needed - a nice light rom-com.

·       If you aren't already watching these shows/watched these shows - you need to get on board stat - Southern Charm & Chrisley Knows Best.  Honestly - they are both so amazing.  I literally died over Christly Knows Best - I can't even handle that family. 

+ There's a new hot guy in my apartment building - on my floor - like 3 doors down from me. 

- I stood at the elevator with said gentleman the other day and iddn't know what to do - so we just stood there awkwardly in silence waiting.  Then we got in…I wiped the drool from my mouth …and I was so distracted I forgot to push the button to go to the bottom floor….so up we went to the top!  Then I casually/awkwardly/Lizzie-esque had this convo:
                       Me:  Soooo did you just move in?
                       Him:  Nope been here for about 6 months. How long have you been here?
                       Me:  Four years. (this is going swimmingly)
                       Him:  How do you like it?
                       Me:  It's good - nice and quiet. 
ANNNNND scene!  Not only was that one of the lamest things for me to say - we reached the ground floor and out he went…haven't seen him since.

There you have it people - a (I swear to God this is what I just said in my head as I was typing and went back to type this because it needs explanation) NUT CAP SHELL (I believe I was trying to say both "nut shell" and "recap").  Yup - I'm loosing my marbles!!  Be back soon…just gonna go try to find those quickly!

Images from:  #whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com

A Few Lil Snipets

So lets discuss a few things.

1. I woke up to one of the alarms (not sure if it's fire or carbon monoxide) beeping because the batteries were dying. Soooo not necessary. I was so mad. How is that an appropriate way to enter into a day?! And the beeping is piercing, loud & incessant - it doesn't stop until you change the batteries.

So I muddled through it and I'm gonna have to change those suckers tonight. Sorry to all my neighbors that stay home all day - whoops!

2. I get to work, obviously sweating, you know because it was 24 degrees this morning. I have a love/hate with my North Face coat - the damn thing keeps me so stinking warm - but then after my walk into work I'm dying. Like who sweats in a temperature that your sweat could actually freeze?! How is that even possible?? I prob should have paid more attention in science class.

3. Upon getting into work I put my wedges on and go to walk for coffee…omg embarrassing moment….loudest squeaking…EVER!!! Like people were staring because it was so quiet in my office and those really set things off. So insane. Then I tried to slink back to my desk and quickly Googled "squeaky shoe fix" - yup - that happened and I was told to put hand cream inside my shoe. We all know that I'm always up for a challenge and to try new things, so hesitantly I smeared cream all inside my shoe. Low and behold…I let it dry and the stupid trick worked!!

So if you are ever in that sitch just slather on some good 'ol hand cream and you'll be back to business in no time!

4. I bought 3 lbs. weights last night. I read on Goop about this new Tracey Anderson workout you can do in 15 minutes.

I know a lot of people swear by her, so I thought I'd give it a try! I mean other than me looking like a fool, there really isn't anything to lose.

5. I feel the need to put in a lil plug for this show I saw. It's a live thing, so don't go looking on TV for it! But it's called Mortified and it's beyond hilarious. It plays in various cities, so I highly recommend you looking into seeing it. Basically it's regular people that get up on stage and read from their angsty teen diaries or past school projects or journals. It's ridiculous. I literally was in tears listening. And then it got me thinking that I'm sure I have a few gems of my own - I should prob dig those out. maybe I'll just transcribe them on here for all to enjoy.

So that's that for now. Happy Wednesday you lil punks!!

Holi-DON'T

It's that time of year again for all sorts of holiday gatherings and celebrations!  I had my company party last week and it was relatively tame - no major stories to come out of it!  Except for when I became a Southern Belle for a fraction of a second and then was awkward.  Recap:

My Boss (passing me in the hall):  Hey Lizzie, are you going to the holiday party tonight?
Me (turning around):  I sure am!  (in the Southernest of Southern voices - aka I was from Savannah holding a parasol).
Then I turned on my heels, he looked quizzically at me and I awkwardly slow jogged back to my office.  Off to a good start!!

So that aside, all these parties that I've been attending/that I'm going to have reminded me of how NOT to behave at functions.  Obviously everyone should let their hair down a bit and have a good time, but there are a few things that you shouldn't do - let me tell you a lil story about a MAJOR don't at the company party…

At my last job we had this amazing holiday party every year - I mean it was like black tie-esque, at a hotel ballroom, dinner & a live band.  Sooo much fun!  We all went to someone's house before and pre-gamed…aka it was a show.  Let me also remind you that this was back in the day that Ruby and I worked together - so things got a lil cray to the cray.  We were each other's "dates" and were feeling pretty good before we even got to the party!  BUT we had nothing on what was about to ensue.  It was all going swimmingly, we were schmoozing with the "big guys" and having a lovely time.  The band was amazing - nbd but I may or may not have had a "tap dance off" with our top top guy. 

I mean I don’t wanna brag - but I broke my heel - I was that passionate about my dancing.  It was amazing. Anywho, it was dinner time and everyone was just relaxing, finishing up their meals, having pleasant conversations.  The music was slow.  When all of a sudden - IT happened.

Let me give you a lil back story - we had this receptionist - let's call her Mystic.  She was very "free spirited" and a lil off center.  Extremely nice, but just not "all there" if you will.  She had been with the company for a good amount of years, so everyone was pretty used to her antics.  But no one understood what exactly she was capable of. 

So back to the story…finishing dinner…everyone having a pleasant evening…cut to the empty dance floor and slow classical music being played (by a CD, not even the band).  All of a sudden Mystic takes the dance floor.  She begins what would be about 5 SOLID minutes of lyrical dancing.  

I'm talking full out LYRICAL dance.  All over the floor, flailing about, arms swaying, legs jumping.  Just when you think it was about to end…nope!  She runs and slides onto the floor on her knees, rolls on her back and does a few scissor kicks/fan kicks in the air.  Oh and did I mention she's in a dress?!  I mean - undies were flashed.  At one point one of my colleagues begins videoing and when I prompted him to stop, he replied "Are you kidding?!  This is going on You-Tube as 'what not to do a company party'".  Unreal.  Finally someone went out and told her maybe she should not be doing this.  

And if you were wondering - she didn't even care - she simply  informed everyone that she "never really had any training" - oh I'm sorry?!  Shocking - you NEVER had training?!  You were flailing about on an empty dance floor in front of 300 co-workers - and that's what you have to say for yourself?! Hilarious!

Soooo next time you get that itch to entertain 300 of your nearest and dearest on an empty dance floor … think of Mystic.  Please for the love of God  - think of Mystic!

Jessica! JESSICA!!

Sooo my morning started off awkward and the day has continued right down that path.   Are you surprised?!

I was walking to work this morning and right as I was leaving Dunkin Donuts for a lil morning iced tea, I saw this girl that I was convinced was this girl that I went to high school and college with.  So me being me start chasing after her yelling her name (let's call her Jessica).  The girl does not turn around, so I continue yelling and running, "JESSICA!  JESSICA!".  

Finally she turns around -  completely not the girl at all.  Just some stranger.  Thank God she was friendly because we both burst out laughing and I of course apologized for being a raving lunatic at 8 am.  She just laughed it off and said "well good to know I have a doppelganger running around this city". 

Which made me think…do we all have a doppelganger running around?!  I  mean I've never seen/met mine - that's probably for the best.  I can barely handle one of me - let alone 2.   Have any of you ever met yours??  Do you think we have them??  Who's with me?!  Am I just having "deep thoughts" alone on a Thursday afternoon?? 

So then I get to work and continue my day.  I'm wearing, for the first time, a Spanx slip under my dress.  Again, file this under, "good idea at the time".  While still in my apartment I was all "this is the best thing ever - I love it - never taking it off".  Now I'm about one fat roll away from hurling this thing across the room.  

It keeps rolling down/riding up.  At one point I was trying to shimmy it down and realized that I had somehow turned it inside out and upside down.  Not an easy fete - but I managed.  So the whole day I've just been pulling this thing all over the place and praying that no one actually sees me. 

I also had the biggest craving for Sour Patch Kids today - like so bad I had to leave work, go to Duane Reade and buy a pack. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Jersey Shore in the hizzous tonight!  Who's excited?!  I'm also just stoked that tomorrow is Friday!!!  What what!  Can't wait for the freakin' weekend!! 

JUST SAY THANK YOU AND WALK AWAY!

By now you are all aware that I have a short list of blogs that I follow religiously. One of them, of course, is "Hay Girl Hay". I totally heart this blog and sometimes I feel like this girl is just speaking my mind! It's really bizaro! Anyways - the other day this was one of her post and in a few words I thought "why do you have my life?!" This is what the post said:

Just say thank you
When someone says something nice to me, it’s like I have a syndrome that causes me to negate what they just said by pointing out some flaw.
               Cute shirt? Oh thanks, I like it because it’s loose and doesn’t cling to my food baby.
               Your hair looks great? That’s weird, I didn’t wash it today.
               I love your jeans? They’re five years old with a hole in the crotch.
What is that? These things fly out of my mouth and I can’t help it, but I’d like to.
Learn to take a compliment, idiot.


Sooo basically this is me to a T! I catch myself doing it all the time and it's something that I consistently "struggle" with. Like I have to in my head say "STOP LIZZIE - JUST SAY THANK YOU AND WALK AWAY!" You can imagine my surprise when I realized that others have the same "disorder" that I do! These are actual/daily conversations that I have with people and this is the look I get all too often:

Person: Oh I love that skirt - so cute!
Me: Thanks - it was like a dollar on sale - so cheap - I mean I paid nothing….
Aftermath: Why did I have to explain the monetary value of this skirt?! Why did I feel a need to justify that I paid for clothing?! I sometimes feel like because I wear certain clothes people think that I'm some "rich bitch" - but hten I have to remind myself that: a) most likely that isn't their "angle" and b) I can barely pay my rent and c) most of my clothes ARE on sale from Banana or J Crew - I know - I'm wild and d) the other portion of my clothes are gifts - from my parents - there you have it!

Person: You look pretty today.
Me: Really I feel like train wreck! I got no sleep - I'm so heinous - please don’t look at me!
Aftermath: Again - simply say thank you! Just take it and go with it. Why do I have to convince people that I don't look pretty?! What is wrong with me?!

Person: Great job on that presentation!
Me: Ugh - I felt so unprepared like I put it together in AN second! I hope I didn't embarrass anyone by how awful I was! Thank God it was just for you guys!
Aftermath: Well basically just give me my pink slip now! Why can't the words "thank you" formulate in my vocabulary. It's like the verbal diarrhea of how to get yourself fired and make everyone re-think their original "great job" thoughts!

I mean those are just a few examples of my daily struggles. Ohhh the trials and tribulations of being me! Sometimes people walk away from me and prob think I'm a complete and total insecure lunatic. Which I'm not necessarily saying I'm not - I just think I portray more of it than I'd like to. It's def on my list of "things I need to work on"! I have to repeat it over and over again in my head - like a mantra - JUST SAY THANK YOU AND WALK AWAY!

Good Morning!!

Three quick things about my day so far. It's only 10 am and it's already interesting.

1. Confession. I left my house this morning in such a whirlwind. Do you ever have those days? I had plenty of time and then all of a sudden I was late. I was running around like an idiot and trying to through an outfit together - which I don't even think looks good - but meh - it's Thursday. I finally depart my apartment - lock the door - elevator - good morning to my doorman - start my trek. I'm about 5 blocks in when I realize that in my haste I forgot a majorly important thing. Like very major. I forgot to BRUSH MY TEETH!!!

WTF is wrong with me?! And the weirdest thing is that literally the other day while walking to work I thought to myself "wouldn't it be weird if you forgot to brush your teeth?!" - just little inner-monologues I have with myself. And it happened!! I was so mortified. I pretty much figured that everyone on the street knew of my poor hygiene. I never forget to do that - its just obviously part of my routine! So I ran myself into the next CVS I saw and grabbed those new disposable toothbrushes and about 4 other things I realized I needed. Got into my office without speaking to anyone and quickly whipped them out. They actually work fairly well. I mean - if you're in a pinch! I wouldn't use them as my regular toothbrush - but I now have 4 "extras" in my desk - just in case!

2. Piano Man. As I was mortifyingly walking to work this morning I saw something else that made me less embarrassed about myself. There was a man walking towards me in a suit with his head phones on (ummm totally dating myself - I should have said "iPod on") and he was full out playing the air piano.

Basically practicing his skills while walking. I'm all for "2 birds 1 stone" - but seriously - in the middle of the sidewalk you need to play your piano?! And I'm not talking just "pretending" to play - he was full on "playing" certain keys, pedal, etc. The best part is that no one really even flinched. You gotta love New York!

3. Blue Man Group. Also while on my crusade to the office - I passed another man in an interesting get-up. He was fully decked out - feeling his best - thinking he was the shiz - in an electric blue/cobalt suit.

Who wears that?! I mean I know I prob shouldn't be judging on people's attire - those in glass houses and all - but where do you work where that would be an appropriate outfit for the "office"?! And where does one even find such a thing?! It literally blinded me! So bright - and it was too early for something so bright to be in my face.

Hopefully this day will get a little less weird. I mean maybe I got all the "weirdness" out first thing - instead of being spread out through my day! I'm just glad it's Thursday - one more day and then a THREE DAY WEEKEND!!! Yee-ha! (Ummm I'm a little embarrassed about that - but not enough to delete it - sorry I'm not sorry.)

High School Heinousness Chapter 1: Benched

First off – I’d like to thank all of you that offered up your opinions for my date tomorrow night.  I’m gonna go with Option 1!  And of course – I’ll give you all a full recap after the fact!

Now for today’s post.  I’m sitting here watching Glee, which is by far one of my fave shows, and it’s jogging my memory a bit.  I’ve been thinking back to my high school days.  To say I didn’t care for high school is prob an understatement.  I hated it.  I just really didn’t enjoy it one bit.  Of course I had my moments of OMG this is awesome – but as a whole, I would never want to go back!  I mean I wasn’t a total loser or anything – I had friends, I was in “smart classes”, I played sports, was in the play (that was cool), student council, and in about everything club under the sun.  The main problem was I was in a class of “mean girls”.  They were just not nice!  I did def have friends and all – but it was a tough group!  High school just brought so much dramz.  So I was thinking back to a few of my most embarrassing/ridiculous times in high school and thought I’d begin to share them with you.  Of course, I can’t let them all out at once – so here’s the first installment!

I think it was my junior year.  I was a field hockey player back then and I was starting varsity – best thing ever.  I was at practice and we had a big game that week.  We had just started our season, so these first few were important to me to try to “keep my spot” on varsity.  So we had to go out for a long run, our coach was like a running lunatic – she didn’t run – but thought it was fun to pretend we were all on the track team.  On the “trail” that we had to go on, we passed the boys soccer team.  Trying to be the suave person you all know, I decided that it would be in my best interest to sprint and make it look like I was such a fast runner in front of them.  So my friend and I started out on this brilliant plan.  I was running so sexy and fast that I neglected to realize that there was a wooden bench right in front of me.  I was at top speed, like I’m talking full out sprint, and I ran right into the bench!  My leg cracked right into the end of the bench.  I flew in the air and landed on the ground.  So not embarrassing at all!  And all of this was going down in front of the boy’s soccer team – and I wondered why I didn’t have a boyfriend in high school?!  I rolled over and my friend was hovering over me in shock of what just went down.  My right shin was gushing blood and turning purple.  I couldn’t even put any weight on it.  I had to limp into the trainer and have her take a look.  She took one look at me and freaked out.  She yelled for me to get up on the table quickly as she was running over to get bags of ice.  I laid there and she told me to “hang on”.  She then proceeded to grind ice into my leg – as I laid there white knuckled – seriously worst pain ever!  I couldn’t even yell, cry, nothing could even come out – agonizing!  She said that if she didn’t do that, then I wouldn’t be able to walk for a week because I’d have a ginormous hematoma on my leg.  Awesome!  So she wrapped me up and off I limped.  Oh and I didn’t mention that I was not allowed to play field hockey for at least a week.

I then had to explain to my coach why I couldn’t play and my parents and the teachers and kids/friends that asked why I had the enormous ace bandage wrapping up my entire leg.   And I’m sure you can imagine that everyone took this information and was nothing but concerned and sympathetic about what happened (I mean besides my parents).  They had a field day – not even my teachers held back!  Again – not embarrassing at all.  Obvi I laughed it off and lol’d about it (while crying myself to sleep at not) – but really it was just one more reason why high school wasn’t the “best years of my life”.