NUT CAP SHELL

So Spring has Sprung…apparently.  According to my allergies at least.  According to actual temperatures…not so much.  I'm hoping for a lil warm up soon!  A little update on my life…some positive, some not so much.  BUT I know I've been a lil MIA, so this should cover the past few weeks.  It's a lil "Pro Con Pro"…sorority style flashback.

+ I went to Chicago & Houston to see some very fabulous friends.
                

·       In Chicago we did a lil shopping, caught up with old friends, ate/drank (are you seeing a theme here?!), went to RPM (which we ordered just about everything on the menu and it was all amazing - despite not seeing G&B - it was a fabulous time), and we went out and pretended to be young again.  All in all - a fantastic trip.  Chicago is one of my fave cities - the people are great the food is great - so much good going on there!
·       In Houston I went to a rodeo, ate some amazing food, drank some amazing margs and   beers outside and yup - went to a Crawfish Boil.  It was pretty much one of the best weekends ever - further fueling my "maybe I SHOULD move to Texas and just succumb to the fact that I might belong there" theory. 

- I had to sit in a doctor's office waiting for an appointment and this was what I dealt with:

·       A guy bringing his dog in a little bag and pretending like no one is seeing it.  Did I mention this was a doctor's office?!  And the dog would bark and the guy would just like look around like nothing was going on - still pretending he wasn't trying to stealthily sneak a dog into his appointment.

·       The obnoxious woman next to me told the receptionist that she didn't have time to wait (like the rest of us are all just free birds with nothing else to do but wait for the doctor).  Then she was filling out a form for her and her husband and she looked at him and goes "what is your birthday".  Ummm what?!  This is your husband.  He was like - "you don't know?!".  To which she replied "I can't remember everything."  If that relationship isn't rock solid I don’t know what is.  Annnnd then she proceeded to call someone they were discussing a "whore monger"…she was a real peach.

·       Another woman decided that it was in the best interest of the whole waiting room to hear her play whatever ridiculously loud game she was playing on her phone.  Awesome.

+ My co-workers and I decided to organize a House Crawl this past weekend.  It was pretty much amazing.  We went to 3 different apartments, had shirts made, drank too much and just kinda fratted out a bit.  It was a really good bonding experience. 

+ My sister and I met Mindy Kaling.  Yup - that's right - got a picture and all.  We went to an event at Bliss that she was at and next thing we kenw we were lined up waiting to see her…and then all of a sudden we were in a photo booth with her.  My sister sat on her lap, we had 4 "poses"…one of which my sister gave her a noogie.  Sooo that happened.  She was as awesome and fun as you would think she'd be!

+ I did a massive Spring Cleaning - got rid of 4 bags of clothes (donated them of course) and just really cleaned things up!!

- I had to go through stuff I hadn't seen in years...including things I prob wish I never saw again.  I.e. cards from old boyfriends, things I thought I threw out, cards/notes from people I don't even know who they are…aka "Can't wait to see you when you get back.  Have fun with your family.  Love you!! John". Ummmmm I don’t or remember one person named John.  I have zero idea who it is and who sent me such love notes.  

+ Saw a few good plays, movies, TV shows…

·       Bullets Over Broadway with Zach Braff - really good!  It's a new show on Broadway and I definitely recommend it!

·       The Other Woman - my sister and I saw this the other night.  I wasn't expecting to like it as much as I did - honestly I laughed out loud in more m parts than not.  It wasn't like "best movie ever" - but it was exactly what I needed - a nice light rom-com.

·       If you aren't already watching these shows/watched these shows - you need to get on board stat - Southern Charm & Chrisley Knows Best.  Honestly - they are both so amazing.  I literally died over Christly Knows Best - I can't even handle that family. 

+ There's a new hot guy in my apartment building - on my floor - like 3 doors down from me. 

- I stood at the elevator with said gentleman the other day and iddn't know what to do - so we just stood there awkwardly in silence waiting.  Then we got in…I wiped the drool from my mouth …and I was so distracted I forgot to push the button to go to the bottom floor….so up we went to the top!  Then I casually/awkwardly/Lizzie-esque had this convo:
                       Me:  Soooo did you just move in?
                       Him:  Nope been here for about 6 months. How long have you been here?
                       Me:  Four years. (this is going swimmingly)
                       Him:  How do you like it?
                       Me:  It's good - nice and quiet. 
ANNNNND scene!  Not only was that one of the lamest things for me to say - we reached the ground floor and out he went…haven't seen him since.

There you have it people - a (I swear to God this is what I just said in my head as I was typing and went back to type this because it needs explanation) NUT CAP SHELL (I believe I was trying to say both "nut shell" and "recap").  Yup - I'm loosing my marbles!!  Be back soon…just gonna go try to find those quickly!

Images from:  #whatshouldwecallme.tumblr.com

It's Going Down...I'm Yelling TINDER!

First off - try to not sing that Ke$ha song for the rest of the day.  

Guys….the other night…I had a DATE!  No no don't get scared - hell is still as hot as ever and hasn't frozen over.  My friend Anna strongly urged/made me join Tinder.  Ugh - yes - Tinder. HOWEVER I've heard from numerous others that they've dated/been on dates with some really great guys, so I figured - what the hell?!  Welp - I had my first "Tindate" the other night…I can't really put into words how I feel about it, so you all can just be the judge.

Back story…he's 39 years old, in finance, decent looking (I mean who am I to judge?!), seemed  a lil funny.  He messaged me right away after we "matched" and we started chatting.  Normal stuff - nothing crazy.  Eventually he asked me to grab drinks and I obliged.  I should also mention that he seemed interested/conscientious - he checked in on me over the long weekend, asked how my trip to Boston was with my fam, etc.  I was really hopeful for this one.  We/I picked a spot and had a plan to meet there at 8 pm.  Now I was really trying to make an effort - I went home after work, re-did  makeup, put on a cute outfit, did my hair - really trying here.  

It was 7:50 pm, so I was literally just walking out the door when I got a message from him:  "Hey,still in the office. I should be there by latest 8:30.  Looking fwd to it." Basically he pretty much knew he was going to be late considering he lives downtown and the bar was uptown and would take him about 20 minutes to get there via subway.  Sooo already I'm annoyed, but I'm really trying here.  Like really trying.  Eventually I left my apt for the bar and we wound up getting there at the same time and had our awkward first encounter.  Phew - that's out of the way!  We sat down and he got me a beer…so I'm still kinda hopeful…so far so good.  Then he opened his mouth…. Annnnnd we're off!  I think the best way for me to recap this is to transcribe (to my best ability) our conversations/date/meeting/torture…

Me:  So you just started a new job, what type of work do you do in finance?
Him:  Do you even know anything about finance?? (condescendingly)
Me:  Well I mean basic, I was a business major, so I know some.
Him:  I work on the zippity zorp of the FGB along side the WPV and the schempes schlemps. …blah blah blah (he pretty much just used only acronyms and phrases that you would know if you worked at his job/at his desk/you were him…clearly things I didn't know)

Me:  (Smile & nod)….
Him:  (No questions about my job)
Me:  So Astoria - what made you move there?  I've heard great things about it, but haven't really been.
Him:  I was living with my ex-girlfriend - NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! And I had to move out and clearly I was going to buy something because I  could, so I looked everywhere and this was the best move.   I mean it's already appreciated in value in the like 3 months I've lived there.  But I had to buy like everything new - like everything.  I mean I had to buy utensils.
Me:  (giggling a bit because that's just that ridiculous) Utensils - huh?  I mean that's kinda called being a grown up.
Him:  Really - like utensils - I had to buy all new ones because I had nothing.
Me:  (changing the subject - or trying to)

**I should also take the time to mention that he was yawning the entire time.  like not little polite, I'm trying to hide how tired I am yawns, like big huge obnoxious yawns.**

Him:  Sorry - I'm just really tired - it's not you.  I have to get into work like super early.  You probably don't even understand how early.  Like I have to get there at like 7:45 am.
Me:  Oh yah I get it, I'm at work around 8:30 am everyday. 
Him:  That's like late compared to 7:45 am.
Me:  (thinking in my head…yah a whole 45 minutes really means a WORLD of difference)
Him:  Oh and I normally drink more.  Right now I'm just kind of off it because of my new job and I'm trying to stay focused.
Me:  Totally understand - I don't really drink much during the weeks and certainly not as much as I used to! (trying to convey that even if he didn't drink at all it really didn't matter to me)
Him:  NO - No I mean I get f*cked up on the weekends.  Like I'm a weekend warrior (yes folks he referred to himself as a "weekend warrior").  I get f*cked up on Friday, get up Saturday, run 5 miles, brunch it up and then get f*cked up again.  (did I mention he's almost 40?!)
Me:  Oh that's fun.

**Then we had a few other stupid conversations mainly about how great he is, etc.  Still yawning the whole time.**

Me:  I mean we can totally go if you're tired, want to head home.  (mind you I haven't even finished my beer).
Him:  Yah sounds good, let's go.

Game over.  Record time of 45 minutes.

Walk home…texting Anna and calling Hazel in Texas to just debrief.  I got home to this message from him:  "I'm sorry I was so lame. I'm usually not like that. I'mentally and physically fatigued, drained."  I just responded (which I shouldn't have even responded looking back) "no worries". 

Cut to me in DC.  Discussing this situation with Hillary & Sydney.  We kinda decided, maybe give him benefit of the doubt if he contacts me again.  I mean he's an ass, but maybe he was just off - who knows.  Saturday morning comes along…8 am…get a message from him.  Sydney and I were screeching a bit - she was like omg I bet he's just checking on you - kinda nice - let's open it.  I open it to find this gem…

"Hey, wanted to ask, did I look like my photos when u met me? Do I need to switch it up? Just curious…"

Soooo many emotions flew - Sydney and I were screaming and yelling and ranting and raving.  Who has the balls and audacity to send me that?!?!?!  I mean really?!  Did you really think that was a good idea??  Don't you have friends you can ask?!  What a D-BAG!!  Or as Anna calls him a "tinderk".

Over it!  

Done and done…on to the next…BTW I'm singing that Jay Z song in my head right now…

I’m on to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

Hold up, freeze

Somebody bring me back some money please…

**Photos from #Whatshouldwecallme and RealityTVGifs**

Bus Wars

Basically if you don’t take public transportation…mainly the bus…you may not sympathize with my situation.  The situation that is the full on bus etiquette war I'm in with another woman at my bus stop. 

So every form of public transportation has it's "rules" and things that people just know about and obey.  You get away with not knowing things maybe your first/second time around.  After that - no chance underpants.  Such things may include (but are not limited to):

• No speakers (ie cell phones, boom boxes, video games, etc.)
• Not sitting directly on top of another person (if and only if there are no other seats available)
• Elderly, disabled, pregnant people allll get first dibs on seats 
• When going on the escalator down to your train, you stand to the right and run to the left (might change depending on the city)

Now those are just a few…however my BIGGEST rule is how you get onto said transportation.  Now in NYC, at a bus stop, there is typically some sort of line.  The first person stands wherever and then everyone else that arrives stands behind them.  Now of course there are times where it's more of a "cluster", in these situations, you normally have an idea of who came when and everyone files in accordingly. 

There is this woman at my stop every morning and seriously - we're in a huge fight.  First let me explain her.  She looks like she has no idea where she is and doesn't know anything, but don't let that fool you - she knows exactly what she's doing!  She always is wearing a longer trench coat.  And my favorite part is her head gear.  I can't even describe.  She has one hat that kinda looks like this (yes it has fur, too):

However, most of the time she wears a scarf around her head, ties it under her chin, and puts a Yankees bucket hat on top.  What?!  Not necessary.  It doesn't even add warmth!!

Now the fights…every day she comes sweeping in on the corner and pretends to not see the 10 other people standing in line.  She cuts to the front EVER SINGLE TIME!!  So the first few times I let her get away with it, now my friend it's on.  Every day we're in a war/battle.  

I now can track the bus on my phone, so when it starts getting close, I position myself to be in front (not cut necessarily, just be in front to box her out).  This morning I shoved myself in front of her, however there was an older woman to my side with a cane, so I obvi let her go ahead of me, she was livid!  Mainly because I almost pushed her over.  

Another time I just pretended I didn't see her "merging" into the line, and I just stayed really close to the guy in front of me not letting her in, she was soooo pissed off.  My blood literally boils when I see her. 

She's not going to get me - not if I can help it!  I don’t even want her seat, I go to the back of the bus (she sits in the front), but it's just the principle of the thing! 

It's officially on biotch…it's on…game over for you and your stupid hat!

It's Your Lucky Day!!

Just a quick lil story for your entertainment - or maybe pity - I'm not quite sure which. 

I've become involved in Tarte cosmetics (thanks to Ruby!).  The first tinted moisturizer I got is great, but just slightly darker than my normal skin color (but great for when I have a glowing tan - which happens so often).  SOOO I decided to go into Henri Bendels yesterday to just get a lil bit lighter one.  I was short on time, so I literally slow jogged right up to the counter, I was like "hi I have 12 and I think I need 10, sooooo can you just grab that I can pay and be on my way?!"  The sales woman was annoying (had her once before) - insisted on testing things and finally wound up with the one that I told her I wanted from the beginning.  So she goes to grab it, this is after she tried to push another type on me, but I stuck to my guns and then she convinced me that I was making the right choice.  This is how the rest of the experience went…

Woman:  Ohhh ummm yikes….soooo ummm…looks like we're out of 10, but are you sure you don’t want the other one??

Me:  Yah - I mean I think this kind just suits me best, so I guess I'll just have to get it somewhere else.
Woman:  WELLLLLL we just got a shipment in this morning, so let me run downstairs really quick and see - I'm positive there will be some more in those boxes.
Me:  Oh that's great- thanks.
**Cut to 10 minutes later**
Woman:  (as she running at me through the store with 3 huge boxes) IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY!!!
Me:  Oh such great news!
**She then proceeds to take out this brush & powder concoction and goes to try it on me. **

Me:  Umm I'm sorry I don’t really have time for this, can I just have the tinted moisturizer and I'll be on my way.
Woman:  OHHH yah so about that - we didn't have it.  BUT I totally think the other one is the best way to go anyway.
Me:  (getting slightly more annoyed as the time passes and now questioning why I'm even here) OK YOUR WERE YELLING HOW IT WAS MY LUCKY DAY SO I FIGURED THAT YOU HAD IT.  FINE JUST GIVE ME THE OTHER ONE.  (oh and I've also been there for 0ver 20 minutes, so I'm getting hella angry now).
Woman: (scurries over to the drawer searching…searching…searching…) Oh shoot (in this pathetic meeke voice)…we're out of that one too.

Me:  (say no words…look of death…storm out).

 

Happy almost Friday everyone!!  I'm heading to Deep Creek Lake with some of my girlies!!  Enjoy the weekends!!  XOXO

 

Racey AC

Soooooo let's break this lil night down. AC was a blast - it was Sydney's bday so things got a lil cray. Before I get into that though, I just wanted to discuss my Friday night situation. I wound up going to a comedy show last minute at Caroline's. And can we talk about how I basically peed my pants. I haven't laughed that hard in quite some time. There were three comedians…2 openers and then one guy headlined. They were all fantastic and so different and I loved them all. If you ever get a chance to see/hear any of these guys - Josh Rabinowitz & John Mulaney in particular - I highly recommend you do it. Absolutely hilarious.


Ok so onto the next one. I took the train to CCK and then we got to make the drive down to AC together. Great catching up time and so nice to have company on the journey!! We got to Revel. Ummm can we talk about this. It's amazing. Soooo clean (we all know how I feel about that), no smoking, very open/spacious, good restaurants, I could go on. The rooms were also fantastic, beds were comfy and the showers were phenom. We met up with the other girls, had a great lunch at Village Whiskey and started the celebrating! After lunch we got the lay of the land and then CCK and Bessie went home for the night. That's when things started to unravel. Me, Sydney, Hilary & Kit were left to our own devises! We shopped around a little bit and then we grabbed a drink at the bar (one of many). Eventually we made our way back to our room to get ready for the night. Don’t worry I tested the shower & the shower caps - both worked fabulously. After we all got fresh to death we headed to dinner.

Dinner was at Buddakan. It's basically Asian Fusion and it was absolutely amazing. We got a bunch of different things and shared it all. I was so content and pleased. We had a great time at dinner and just had a nice relaxing meal. I know there are a few throughout the country, so I highly recommend it if you have a chance. Then the fun started…our cab ride back was insane. The guy drove like 9000 miles an hour and "Mo Money Mo Problems" came on the radio…we asked to turn it up a lil bit…next thing it's blaring as we're careening down the street. We roll up to our hotel with it blasting and of course stares all around.

Our first stop for the night was a bit aggressive - Ivan Kane’s Royal Jelly Burlesque Nightclub. Now we thought there'd be tables/seats for us. We hadn't even fully digested - I was only on my first round of Tums. HOWEVER, once we got in, we were enamored and the music was just so good. So to paint a picture it's this darkish room and in the center/on the ceiling are basically runways for girls to walk around/dance/be weird/wear nude colored unitards.

It was nuts. There was also a guy who pretended he was Snoop Dogg (or should I say Snoop Lion) and I honestly think he really believed he was. The people watching was just beyond. After awhile, we were all having trouble standing due to feet/heels to high/issues. Right before we were getting ready to go a girl who was totally out of control came crashing down on my foot (with her heels) and then proceeded to spill her beer down my jeans…so that was basically final straw and a sign for us to leave (ps - my foot is basically purple from my toes to my ankle...I wasn't even trying to be dramatic!). With that Sydney literally threw her whole drink (glass and all) in the garbage and the signature move came out…her yelling "Lizzie" while swinging her arm in the air in a circular motion…round 'em up style if you will.

So we ran back to the room to all change into our flats. God we're so old. But you know what - best decision we made all day. Proper foot wear is always a must…as Sydney's mother so often tells me. Then we were off again and headed to the next bar, Social. This was our jam. There was a band playing, Garden State Radio Band - ummmm they were amazing. Like I want to see them daily kind of amazing. They were such a phenom cover band. They played everything from oldies to top hits and were soooo good. If you can see them - I'd do it. So basically I was in my glory dancing up a storm with Kit. I look over and this guy is just awkwardly sidling up to me and kinda dancing around me/with me/not really/I had no idea what was going on. Kit literally burst out laughing and says "I think your friend wants to talk to you". So after a few more awkward encounters I finally started the conversation and I kid you not this was how it went…

Me: Hi, I'm Lizzie.
Him: Oh right yah I'm Tom.
Awkward silence
Him: So do you come here often?
Me: Um not really, first time here, having fun, it's a great place (rambling to fill the silence).
Him: Sooo how old are you?
Me: I'm 32.
Him: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! (Mouth open widely, eyes like popping out of his head). NOOOOOOO WAAAAYYYYY. You DO NOT LOOK 32…I'd say 25 tops - and I'm not even trying to flatter you.

Me: (feeling ever so comfortable with my age) Ummm well that's quite the reaction, how old are you?

Him: I’m 23. Where do you live?
Me: NYC, you?
Him: In Little Ferry with my parents, but it's only like 20 minutes from the city.
Me: Yup, I know the town.
Him: Soooo I mean yah, sooooo like ummmm, like ummmm, what are you looking for?

Me: Excuse me?

Him: Like what are you looking for? I mean do you wannna….

Me: Well lets just stop right there. (thinking - am I being like propositioned?? Like am I a hooker?!) I think I'm gonna just go with my friends (and I grabbed Kit and walked away).

Like why is this the only guy that spoke to me the whole trip?! Sydney and I even made a pact that we were supposed to find brothers that we could marry and this was the fool that I attracted?? Anywho….we continued to dance and drink and sing and just have a fabulous time. After awhile we went out to the casino and gambled a bit. I threw down $20 on roulette and lost in about 2.2 seconds. The only game that I thought was profitable were the slots - Sydney and I played "Grease" and basically won big. We were sitting there and all of a sudden both our machines started going off, flashing, loud noises. We didn't even know what was going on. But I won $60 and she won $100 - amazing! We finally decided to call it a night, grabbed some food and went to bed. Don't worry - it was 4 am. The old hags made it till 4 am!!

The next day we slowly got ourselves together. I had to catch the bus. It was heinous. It's not so much the bus/the ride it's who sits next to you. Literally this guy getting on, I saw him in line and he looked like the biggest creeper ever. like ever. he walks onto the bus, takes a look around and of course decides to sit next to me. He then proceeds to basically come into my seat and grossly sleep - ewww I'm sceeved out just thinking about it. I hate the flashbacks.

Soooo there you have it. And then I got home…ordered food…watched the Oscars and became increasingly more depressed that it was Sunday night…my trip was over…and I had to work the next day!!

An Angry Lil Day

Soooo I'm an cranky lil duck today!! This has just not been my day - actually started with last night when I got home. Let me break this down for you:


Last evening: Got home from my acupuncture appointment, totally excited I had my mom's homemade soup to eat for dinner. Oh I also had a migraine so I wasn't feeling myself. Heated it up ate/licked the bowl so delish. Angry because I wanted more. Starving. Nothing in my house to eat because I haven't had time to go to the grocery store. So mad. Didn't really sleep that well.

7:30 am: Wake up/just get up since I've been awake for awhile. Groggily go to the bathroom turn on the shower. Confused. Nothing is coming out. Turn on faucet. Confused. Nothing is coming out. Go to the bathroom - realize I can't flush the toilet. Umm I have no water - AT ALL!!! Angry. I throw on clothes to go down to talk to the doorman to see what is going on. Elevator opens - there's a sign in the elevator that reads in the handwriting of a small child: NO WATER. WATER TANK EMERGENCY. FIXING ASAP.

So that's that. Go back - don't shower. Oh and did I mention I got my period this morning?! TMI - sorry - I'm cranky! So I'm not feeling good on all fronts! Throw on clothes and I'm off to work.

8:30 am: Get to work - my secretary tells me I have a run in my stocking. IMMEDIATE anger. I paid so much money for these I'm embarrassed. But I got them on Friends & Family at Bloomies and they're the Commando brand - obsessed. But they're like $30/pair (less with F&F). SOOO this is the first time I've worn them and now they're done. Soooo much anger.

9:00 am: This guy I'm supposed to get set up for a video conference with another office is late - causing a situation. Putting out fires. He finally arrives at 9:15 am. Awesome.

11:15 am: Called a spa for a gift for my sister in law (they claim to be having 15% off all gift certificates). Get this woman on the phone who informs me that it's such an amazing deal and you only have to spend $200. I was like ummm what?! There is no mention of this ever anywhere and I'm not spending $200. This is blasphemous!! Angry.

11:35 am: Called Proactiv to cancel my subscription/membership since they took it upon themselves to charge my credit card $40 just because they felt like it and I didn't give them permission. Get this loon on the phone that tells me ok great they'll cancel after about 5 minutes of trying to persuade me, blah blah blah. Then informs me that my card will only be charged an additional $100 because I'm in this "3 month installment".

SO MUCH RAGE/ANGER. I never signed up for this and now I'm being charged all this money?! Blood pressure rising even just typing this!! There may or may not have been some yelling. I cancelled my life with them and now have to send this stupid thing back (at my own expense) to get them to stop charging my card!! INSANE!!

11:50 am: Just trying to take deep breathes and settle myself down.

12:45 pm: In H&M trying to pick up a cute lil number for an upcoming weekend jaunt. Don’t' have my size in practically anything I wanted - however I was able to find a few thigns worth bringing trying on and most likely returning. Get on line. There are about 15 people "working" and only one poor guy running the register. The others are just hanging out. The line is insane waited for awhile and then just went to another floor.

1:07 pm: Go to grab a wrap - excited because I haven't had one in awhile. Don’t worry they don't have avocado wahhhhhhhh!

1:12 pm: Go to get my Powerball ticket - the guy gives me the wrong thing and I literally almost burst into tears.

This. Day. And now I have to go to a doctor's appointment that is always like 3 hours behind schedule. The only thing getting me through is that I know I'm seeing CCK for dinner tonight!! A fun last minute surprise and I couldn't be more excited!!

Sir Mix A Lot

My apologies...this was supposed to have been posted last week!!

Hello party people!  Things are getting rull cray to the cray over here!!  My sister gets married in T-4 days - ahhhhhh!!!  So this will be my last post until next week and of course I'll fill you in on all the deets. 

So as you know - I've been roped into joining Match again - which I'll say is gross (have I mentioned that yet?!).  last night they had one of their "mixer" events and I decided to go balls out and just do it.  I mean what is the worst that could happen - I have a drink and walk right back out.  I was so nervous - like sick to my stomach nervous.  I most likely should have had a strong beverage before I went.  Oh and btw I was going alone - I repeat I was going ALONE.  So I got myself looking good and off I went.  It was at this bar - nothing too special.  I got there a half hour late hoping that I wouldn't be the first/biggest dork there.  Oh and as I was approaching the bar there was a chalkboard sign on the sidewalk with this in ginormous letters "MATCH.COM" WITH AN ARROW!!  

I mean mortifying - I literally covered my face, walked in and hoped that no one saw me.  

When I got inside I, of course, made a beeline for the bar.  I wiggled my way up, there was a good number of people there, but I hadn't really scoped it all out yet.  The girl standing next to me and I started chatting.  Turned out she was in the same boat as me, came alone and was hating her life.  We of course became fast and furious friends.   So we found a spot and started to check out the scene.  EPIC FAIL. And by that I mean that there were 3 times the number of women there over men.  The men there were either creepy or about 5'5".  Have I mentioned that I'm 5'8"?!  So there's that.  We basically just chatted with each other and then finally I started talking to this guy.  I had made a rule in my head going in that I had to talk to at least one guy.  CHECK.  He was kind of a tool, but could at least carry on a conversation.  We talked for like 20 minutes and then he was like, "umm ok so I'm gonna go back and hang with my buddies".  Cool - so glad I just wasted 20 minutes of my life on you.  have fun with them. Just annoying - I mean I really wasn't feeling him, but he could have at least asked one of us for email/number/something.  It was just really awkward. 

The whole thing was just awkward.  Not pleasant.   But I mean I had a glass of wine out of it and that girl and I exchanged numbers - haha I love how those are the "digits" I came away with.  We both decided that we'd try one more event, maybe something a little more structured, and at least we'd be together next time so it won't be as daunting!

So we left and I was walking away realizing I was in major shoe pain, so I stopped to change into flats. This guy approaches me and he's like "oh did you just come from there" - points to the bar.  I mean did I have a sign on me that read "loser who belongs to match.com"?!  I was like "yah I did - enjoy!".  I had no interest.  Again with the shortness and then I was kinda creeped out because he kept asking to go to coffee with me and I didn't know what to do, so I did the obvious and said "oh sorry I'm on my way home I have a bunch of work calls I have to make".  What - that clearly does not even make any bit of sense!  Why do I do things like this?!  He then asks for my number so I bargained with him and gave him my match name.  actually I accidentally gave him the wrong one - but don’t worry he found me! 

So basically out of this evening I gave my info to 2 people - one female and one total stalker creep.  All in all I'd say it was a successful hour and a half. 

A Little 'O This...A Little 'O That

So I clearly have some 'splaining to do.  

I'm so sorry about my absence.  Just when I say it's a New Year's resolution to be more consistent - you don’t hear from me for a week!  Not ok!!  BUT I do have a tiny ounce of an explanation - soooo please don’t leave me!!!

First off - last week - JURY DUTY!!!  Need I say more.  In this fine city of New York it's not just one day - it's a minimum of two.  Oh and guess who got stuck in a 3 day jury selection but then didn't even get picked?!  That’s  correct - ME!!  So angry - still it makes me enraged.  It prob would have been interesting too, it was drugs, attempted murder, etc.  And the worst part was that we were in the courtroom the entire time, which meant no cell phones, laptops, magazines, books, etc.  Nope we just had to sit there and listen to the questioning taking place.  Awful.  The only good part was that the judge was semi-entertaining so he did make me giggle quite a few times.  Oh and don’t worry I made friends with a 70 year old drama coach (out of the 100 other people there, this is who befriends me). And this was by far my favorite line of the whole 3 days.

Judge questioning one of the potential jurors:  Do you have a problem believing the credibility of a witness that has used drugs in the past and may have been using at the time of the incident?
Guy:  Actually I'd have a problem believing someone that wasn't using drugs.  All of the people I trust are drug users.
Judge:  Weellll that's a new one!  We don’t have time to get into this but…REALLY?!

And there you have it folks!  So that's how I spent the majority of last week.  Then I returned to work to a deluge of things to do - slightly disgusting. 

So that brings you up to speed and now I'll go over a few things from this weekend/some recaps and we'll go from there! 

- Jersey Shore - ummm I  may or may not have cried when Vinny left.  

Also I love that some random girl stole Pauly's necklace and then showed up at the door with it on.  

Ballsy and amazing. 

- I saw Contraband on Saturday night with Giuliana, let's just stay my stomach is still feeling anxious. It was awesome.  And I heart Marky Mark more than I ever have.  

Like I'm in love.  Is that weird?! We then went out for some Mexican food - had some amazing "skinny" margs (not the package kind - they actually made them from scratch).  Then we went to this most weird bar - I can't even describe it - but lets just say everyone in there looked like they were from the '90s - like straight up out of 1993. They were the motliest crew of characters I had ever seen.  At one point I thought Giuliana was going to get kicked out when some guy asked the score of the Patriots/Broncos game and the bartender said that the Broncos won and she was said - oh I thought Pats won.  He gave her a look of death and then said "we're never speaking again" and walked away.  Basically that was his way of "joking" with the guy and she "blew it".  Sooooo there's that.

- Golden Globes - I thought they were kinda flat.  Nothing crazy happened and I wasn't really that excited with them.  But I do have to give a few shout outs to best/worst dressed (in my opinion) and my guuurrll Reese - blew me away.  Like my girl crush is even larger now - I heart her - she's just so amazing. 

Best:

Worst:

Just not a fan - I don't love the severe red lip and the top - not my thing.

It looks too wrong - just too harsh or something.

Love the color, love the top, but wtf is going on with the bustle/right side.

This is way too old lady, doesn't do a thing for her.

Can. not. get behind the blue hair.  The dress is ok - not loving the shoulder pads.

Just no.  And it looks too small.

- Yesterday I saw Live with Kelly.  It was sooo fun.  She's a doll in person and was so fun and nice during commercial breaks.  And Seth Meyers co-hosted.  

Here's the thing - I know he has a girlfriend and all - but I'm just throwing it out there - I'm better and we'd have more fun.  So unless Jason Segal gets to me first - Seth - I'm right here.  Waiting.  Anytime you wanna ask me out.  I'll be here.  Sooo don’t wait too long.  I think you should be my husband. 

Ok so now you're up to speed on my life.  I know - so exciting.  I hope you're able to get through your days knowing all this about me! 

Trifecta

Whoa - seriously peeps - we have a LOT to cover. Let me break this down for you - Earthquake, white pants, Teen Mom. So without further adieu - let me begin.

EARTHQUAKE
For those of you who haven't heard - or have been living under a rock - an earthquake shook (no pun intended) the East Coast. Started in my old stomping grounds - DC and shimmied it's way all the way up to New England. My friends in DC were all fine - a little disheveled - some evacuations and it scurred the B-Jesus out of them - but they are OK.

I was on the 35th floor of a building - exactly where I'd like to be when a natural disaster strikes. I started to feel really dizzy - that's about the extent of it. I couldn't explain why - but I felt not right. Some of the other rooms had things shaking - I just felt weird. So I'm not gonna pretend it was all hella cray cray up here - but still - it was weird. People in these parts are not accustomed to that type of thing. Which is WHY its seriously pissing me off that others keep downplaying our earthquake. No - by no means was it bad - BUT it still happened and it can be scary. So stand back and let us be a little "shaken" (again - no pun intended). Obviously in places like DC & NYC when things start to shake - from our prior experience - it usually means something pretty serious. So a lot of those emotions were played out when this all happened. In the (semi) words of Sammi Sweetheart - Just let us do us.

WHITE PANTS
Moving on to the next natural disaster that is coming our way (again not as bad as it will be in the south) - IRENE. Now I don’t think the rain today is from Irene - yet - but it's pouring like a mofo out there.

Oh wait - I wasn't caught in a musical and having all funsies.  I had the bright idea to wear white pants. To my defense - I had no idea we were getting rain today - and it was gorgeous out this morning. I had to run an errand at lunch and got stuck in a torrential downpour. Let me break this down for you - me in white pants that are kinda a lil snug + monsoon = a lunatic wearing see-threw pants that are suctioned onto her legs. I'm so embarrassed. I was trying to run back into my office without anyone noticing and of course my secretary picks that moment to have a convo with me - not the time - just not the time! So I finally scurried away and closed my door - only to realize I had to go to the bathroom. So I quickly slow jogged there - did my thang - and slow jogged back. Now I'm just trying to dry off - so gross. I hate wet pants - worst!

TEEN MOM
Ok seriously - the other night was OOC. Let me break it down by girl:

Maci: Get your head out of your butt!! Are you seriously talking about having another baby with kyyyal?!

You can't even finish school with just one child! Gurl - you need to pull it together - get a degree and get a job! How do you think you're gonna pay for 2 kids?! And lets not even start on the fact that you're not even legal to drink yet! Stop being ridiculous!

Catelyn: God love these two. They try so hard and their parents always seem to take them 8 steps back.

They got Carly all these presents which they probably can't afford and want her to come to their graduation. Then Tyler's mom goes and calls Brandon & Teresa - scares them silly - and now things are potentially ruined. Now - out of ALL their parents - Tyler's mom seems to have her head on straight and it trying to "do good". She just wasn't thinking - then gets all upset and concerned that she ruined everything. Once again - Tyler & Catelyn morph into the parental figures and calm her down. Again - I actually don’t mind his mom - but seriously - use your brain!

Farrah: Whoa - she really needs to stop with the attitude. I've kind of had it with her. She suddenly decides she needs to move ASAP and leave her whole support system to chase her dream out in California. She snaps at Michael & her mom numerous times and just consistently acts like a spoiled brat. She leaves the baby - again -

and heads to CA only to find that she hates it. Upon returning she declares that she is still moving and no one can stop her. I'm anxious to see how she does all this on her own when she could barely pay her own bills a few months ago and had to take out a loan for a boob job.

Amber: Oh Amber - you continue to show your white trash ways. She finally is able to "get the house together" - why it took so long I have no idea - she doesn't work and doesn't go to school - what do you do all day?! She brings that poor little child into her house only to pawn her off a few hours later so she can go on a date.

Even though her child didn't want her to go - she declared that she still needed to do these things and keep bringing a string of strange men into her child's life. This date was really special. We come to find out that "Clinton" also has a child and simply stated "me and the baby's mom didn’t work out". Obviously - your next step would be to find someone else and hope for "play dates" together. Another gem of a line that I took away was when Amber said, "between that (meaning a salad) and the bread - I'm tripping". REALLY?! Why - just why!? We then go back to Geeery who pretends to care about this baby and his mom. Is anyone else concerned that his mom can't keep her glasses on her nose??? They are always slipping down and annoying me.

So there you have it. I hope you are all battening down the hatches and preparing for Irene!! It's gonna be a big one! All I can say is: COOL IT IRENE!!