It's Going Down...I'm Yelling TINDER!

First off - try to not sing that Ke$ha song for the rest of the day.  

Guys….the other night…I had a DATE!  No no don't get scared - hell is still as hot as ever and hasn't frozen over.  My friend Anna strongly urged/made me join Tinder.  Ugh - yes - Tinder. HOWEVER I've heard from numerous others that they've dated/been on dates with some really great guys, so I figured - what the hell?!  Welp - I had my first "Tindate" the other night…I can't really put into words how I feel about it, so you all can just be the judge.

Back story…he's 39 years old, in finance, decent looking (I mean who am I to judge?!), seemed  a lil funny.  He messaged me right away after we "matched" and we started chatting.  Normal stuff - nothing crazy.  Eventually he asked me to grab drinks and I obliged.  I should also mention that he seemed interested/conscientious - he checked in on me over the long weekend, asked how my trip to Boston was with my fam, etc.  I was really hopeful for this one.  We/I picked a spot and had a plan to meet there at 8 pm.  Now I was really trying to make an effort - I went home after work, re-did  makeup, put on a cute outfit, did my hair - really trying here.  

It was 7:50 pm, so I was literally just walking out the door when I got a message from him:  "Hey,still in the office. I should be there by latest 8:30.  Looking fwd to it." Basically he pretty much knew he was going to be late considering he lives downtown and the bar was uptown and would take him about 20 minutes to get there via subway.  Sooo already I'm annoyed, but I'm really trying here.  Like really trying.  Eventually I left my apt for the bar and we wound up getting there at the same time and had our awkward first encounter.  Phew - that's out of the way!  We sat down and he got me a beer…so I'm still kinda hopeful…so far so good.  Then he opened his mouth…. Annnnnd we're off!  I think the best way for me to recap this is to transcribe (to my best ability) our conversations/date/meeting/torture…

Me:  So you just started a new job, what type of work do you do in finance?
Him:  Do you even know anything about finance?? (condescendingly)
Me:  Well I mean basic, I was a business major, so I know some.
Him:  I work on the zippity zorp of the FGB along side the WPV and the schempes schlemps. …blah blah blah (he pretty much just used only acronyms and phrases that you would know if you worked at his job/at his desk/you were him…clearly things I didn't know)

Me:  (Smile & nod)….
Him:  (No questions about my job)
Me:  So Astoria - what made you move there?  I've heard great things about it, but haven't really been.
Him:  I was living with my ex-girlfriend - NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! And I had to move out and clearly I was going to buy something because I  could, so I looked everywhere and this was the best move.   I mean it's already appreciated in value in the like 3 months I've lived there.  But I had to buy like everything new - like everything.  I mean I had to buy utensils.
Me:  (giggling a bit because that's just that ridiculous) Utensils - huh?  I mean that's kinda called being a grown up.
Him:  Really - like utensils - I had to buy all new ones because I had nothing.
Me:  (changing the subject - or trying to)

**I should also take the time to mention that he was yawning the entire time.  like not little polite, I'm trying to hide how tired I am yawns, like big huge obnoxious yawns.**

Him:  Sorry - I'm just really tired - it's not you.  I have to get into work like super early.  You probably don't even understand how early.  Like I have to get there at like 7:45 am.
Me:  Oh yah I get it, I'm at work around 8:30 am everyday. 
Him:  That's like late compared to 7:45 am.
Me:  (thinking in my head…yah a whole 45 minutes really means a WORLD of difference)
Him:  Oh and I normally drink more.  Right now I'm just kind of off it because of my new job and I'm trying to stay focused.
Me:  Totally understand - I don't really drink much during the weeks and certainly not as much as I used to! (trying to convey that even if he didn't drink at all it really didn't matter to me)
Him:  NO - No I mean I get f*cked up on the weekends.  Like I'm a weekend warrior (yes folks he referred to himself as a "weekend warrior").  I get f*cked up on Friday, get up Saturday, run 5 miles, brunch it up and then get f*cked up again.  (did I mention he's almost 40?!)
Me:  Oh that's fun.

**Then we had a few other stupid conversations mainly about how great he is, etc.  Still yawning the whole time.**

Me:  I mean we can totally go if you're tired, want to head home.  (mind you I haven't even finished my beer).
Him:  Yah sounds good, let's go.

Game over.  Record time of 45 minutes.

Walk home…texting Anna and calling Hazel in Texas to just debrief.  I got home to this message from him:  "I'm sorry I was so lame. I'm usually not like that. I'mentally and physically fatigued, drained."  I just responded (which I shouldn't have even responded looking back) "no worries". 

Cut to me in DC.  Discussing this situation with Hillary & Sydney.  We kinda decided, maybe give him benefit of the doubt if he contacts me again.  I mean he's an ass, but maybe he was just off - who knows.  Saturday morning comes along…8 am…get a message from him.  Sydney and I were screeching a bit - she was like omg I bet he's just checking on you - kinda nice - let's open it.  I open it to find this gem…

"Hey, wanted to ask, did I look like my photos when u met me? Do I need to switch it up? Just curious…"

Soooo many emotions flew - Sydney and I were screaming and yelling and ranting and raving.  Who has the balls and audacity to send me that?!?!?!  I mean really?!  Did you really think that was a good idea??  Don't you have friends you can ask?!  What a D-BAG!!  Or as Anna calls him a "tinderk".

Over it!  

Done and done…on to the next…BTW I'm singing that Jay Z song in my head right now…

I’m on to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

On to the next one

Hold up, freeze

Somebody bring me back some money please…

**Photos from #Whatshouldwecallme and RealityTVGifs**

Party Bus In The House Tonight

Guys this past weekend = Sydney's Birthday Bonanza = Success!!

I went down to DC on Friday morning to attend this blissful event - thankfully it was an uneventful train ride.  I couldn't wait to get there!!  We were extremely mature on Friday night and we just went for a very casual dinner with Hillary, home watching programs by 10 pm.  Saturday was not so much in the maturity department. 

Amy rolled into town at the delightful hour of 9 am.  She caught a grossly early flight out of Boston to come to Sydney's bday!  We decided it was in our best interest to get a nice big breakfast, so off to IHOP we went.  Our server's name was Saba and Sydney kept referring to her as "Saba the Hut", so you can imagine that our day was off and running. 

Hillary, Ruby and others started arriving at Sydney's around 11 am and that's when it allllll began.  Bottles popped and drinks flowed.  And then the best part…our party bus rolled on up!!  Yes folks, that's right, we rented a party bus to take us to Annapolis for the day for a lil pub crawl.  Why you ask…simple…we're just that mature!  Is it not normal for a group of 30+ year old women to roll onto a bus filled with alcohol and drive about?! 

Sampson was our driver and he was great.  He obliged our pictures, loud music and overall raucous behavior like a champ!  One of Sydney's co-workers made up this whole spy themed scavenger hunt and it was amaze!  She did such a great job - we even got goody bags!! 

We finally rolled into Annapolis like we owned the joint.

First stop...Pussers.  Yup there's an actual bar called Pussers.  Prob one of the most disgusting names of a place I could think of, but you know, it was great.  We sat outside on the water, drank these things called Pain Killers (hard to swallow at first, then they went down pretty easy!), it was great.  And luckily it was a gorg day - such a tease - but that's another story!  After that we went to 2 other bars, grabbed more drinks and some amaze seafood.  We just really had the best time.  I had so much fun with the girls, there were 10 of us total and it was just perfect.  Everyone was soooo fun and the ride back was more eventful!

We eventually got on the bus, it seemed like we were only there for like an hour, but it was really 4!  That's when things began to go south.  And by south I mean everyone was pretty drunk.  Did I mention there was a stripper pole on the bus??  Because there was.  Did I also mention we brought a bunch of snacks…because somehow most of them managed to be spilled on the floor and became a mushy, gross, disgusting situation.  One of the girls tried to go on the pole, fell to her knees and was covered in goldfish sludge.  Which, side note, she couldn't figure out afterwards why it was like that, like she had bright orange goo on her jeans and she was just like - welp that happened and went out for the night.  

Amazing.  I literally almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  

The best part of the whole day, to me at least, I think really sums up our whole experience.  Sydney and I were getting off the bus (at the end when we got back to her apartment) and she looks back at me and this was our exchange:

Sydney:  Ummmm Lizzie where's my purse??  I can't find my bag.  Should I be concerned??
Me:  I mean I'm sure it's around here somewhere - you had it when we got on, right??
Sydney:  I think so.  I mean who knows - I guess it's not a big deal.
Me:  Let's look around (look around to a disgusting mess, bag no where in sight).
Sydney:  Ohhh here it is!  (Reaches into the trash can - yup the trash can - and pulls out her Kate Spade as if it was totally normal)
Me:  Nodding (agreeing that it seemed totally normal)...

We then proceed to go out to dinner and stay out until midnight, at least that's when Amy and I called it a night, Ruby & Sydney rolled in around 3 am.  How - no clue?!  Sunday we all felt amazing - Sydney Uber'd Amy & I a car because she was pretty sure  she'd get a DUI if she tried to drive us anywhere. 

It was just such a delightful weekend.  I love seeing my girlfriends and missed the ones that couldn't make it.  I'm a lucky girl…I have the best most fun most amazing friends a girl could ask for!  Ok - sorry that started to get a lil mushy - I've been all sentimental about these fools lately!!  I'll stop now.  

Bus Wars

Basically if you don’t take public transportation…mainly the bus…you may not sympathize with my situation.  The situation that is the full on bus etiquette war I'm in with another woman at my bus stop. 

So every form of public transportation has it's "rules" and things that people just know about and obey.  You get away with not knowing things maybe your first/second time around.  After that - no chance underpants.  Such things may include (but are not limited to):

• No speakers (ie cell phones, boom boxes, video games, etc.)
• Not sitting directly on top of another person (if and only if there are no other seats available)
• Elderly, disabled, pregnant people allll get first dibs on seats 
• When going on the escalator down to your train, you stand to the right and run to the left (might change depending on the city)

Now those are just a few…however my BIGGEST rule is how you get onto said transportation.  Now in NYC, at a bus stop, there is typically some sort of line.  The first person stands wherever and then everyone else that arrives stands behind them.  Now of course there are times where it's more of a "cluster", in these situations, you normally have an idea of who came when and everyone files in accordingly. 

There is this woman at my stop every morning and seriously - we're in a huge fight.  First let me explain her.  She looks like she has no idea where she is and doesn't know anything, but don't let that fool you - she knows exactly what she's doing!  She always is wearing a longer trench coat.  And my favorite part is her head gear.  I can't even describe.  She has one hat that kinda looks like this (yes it has fur, too):

However, most of the time she wears a scarf around her head, ties it under her chin, and puts a Yankees bucket hat on top.  What?!  Not necessary.  It doesn't even add warmth!!

Now the fights…every day she comes sweeping in on the corner and pretends to not see the 10 other people standing in line.  She cuts to the front EVER SINGLE TIME!!  So the first few times I let her get away with it, now my friend it's on.  Every day we're in a war/battle.  

I now can track the bus on my phone, so when it starts getting close, I position myself to be in front (not cut necessarily, just be in front to box her out).  This morning I shoved myself in front of her, however there was an older woman to my side with a cane, so I obvi let her go ahead of me, she was livid!  Mainly because I almost pushed her over.  

Another time I just pretended I didn't see her "merging" into the line, and I just stayed really close to the guy in front of me not letting her in, she was soooo pissed off.  My blood literally boils when I see her. 

She's not going to get me - not if I can help it!  I don’t even want her seat, I go to the back of the bus (she sits in the front), but it's just the principle of the thing! 

It's officially on biotch…it's on…game over for you and your stupid hat!

Happiest of V-Days!!

Happy Valentine's Day Betches!!  Haha - not sure why I said that - sounded better in my head.  Anywho…hope all your little hearts are filled with love!  I've gotten 5 valentine's today already …who's jealy?!  1 from my dad, one from each of my 3 nephews and 1 from CCK's lil girl!  I mean I don't really think it gets much better than that!  ANNND my day's not even over…so valentine's day = winning. 

In the last 24 hours, however, not all things have been "winning".  I've had a few mishaps along the way and a few things happen that I'd rather not and/or never thought would happen.  Let's discuss…

1.  We got more snow.  Now I know this isn't going to turn into a weather rant, but seriously - Pax you are a biotch.  Along with each of these lovely days, I've developed a routine of how I need to prepare for the elements.  Huge/puffy/long North Face coat (hood up of course), huge scarf, boots (preferably that come to my knee), mittens and earmuffs (that my cousin made for me from an animal of some sort that he hunted…Merry Christmas).  You can picture in your head how attractive and sex-pot-ish I look.   Line forms to the left boys!

2.  With said elements comes this gross disgusting slush.  It's a mixture of garbage, dirt, snow, sleet, rain and ice…beautiful.  And it's cold as a mo-fo…so if you step off that curb into it…usually you're about calf deep and people - it's miserable!  Yesterday, while waiting for the bus, some idiot thought it was fun to drive like a maniac and spray said sludge/water/grossness all over me…knee down…never been more angry.  

And then while walking to work this morning some guy kicked it and it got all over me…it actually hit the 3 inches of my legs that are not covered by some sort of winter gear…tights out lights out for me (did that make sense…again…sounded good in my head).

3.  I got a LinkedIn request from my former landlord in DC.  I immediately texted Sydney who was dying.  Like why me?  Why now?  Just why?!  We used to live in this garden style building, so there were only about 6 units.  He was a lunatic…spoke with an accent thought he was like this Latin lover.  His maintenance guy, Ricky, and him used to fight ALL THE TIME.  And Sydney and I would put the TV on mute and just listen…best arguments ever.  And my favorite one ended like this…screams screams screams (all in another language) then…landlord to Ricky "I luh you".  

What?!  If you all could have seen the looks on our faces...I can't even imagine.  This was amazing and the best thing I ever heard.  Lesson learned...as much as they fought they always had love for each other.  So yah people…we're now LinkedIn - I'm sure he's going to bring me a lot of professional growth.

4.  Is it weird that I kinda heart the trifecta that all go medals in last night's Men's Slopestyle?!  I mean I feel like their combined age might add up to someone I could legally date, but I'm kinda smitten.  They're just arorbs.  And they're pretty bad-ass…those jumps were no joke.  I literally was clenching my blanket  hoping no one would die.

Well I'm off to Boston for the weekend to visit my newbie nephew…couldn't be more excited!  I hope you all have a fabulous Valentine's Day filled with love, laughs & wine (obvi)!!  XOXO

How To Survive Winter

Is anyone else totally over this weather?!  I'm usually not one to complain when it comes to snow/winter - but enough is enough!!  We've had too much and now we're getting more and someone is angry (aka me).  There's not much motivating me these next few weeks or some amazing beach vacay at the end of this gloomy, freezing cold tunnel.  Wahhhhhh.  I do however have a few fun weekend jaunts coming up, DC for Sydney's bday, Chicago in April and I just booked a lil trippy to Houston in March.  BUT I feel like I need more to keep me going!!  And work and the gym are simply not cutting it!!  The only thing slightly keeping me afloat is the amazing reality TV that has been gracing us lately.  Here are a few things that I'm currently obsessed with and my rationale…trust me you'll need to get involved.

Vanderpump Rules - Now if you haven't already gotten on board…you really need to.  The season is over, but the reunion specials are on now.  This sums it up...

Do yourself a favor and binge watch it during this next snow storm.   It's ahhhmazing.  And these kids are no joke cray to the zay.  I won't totally spoil things now…I'll give you till the next reunion show (you have 1 week).  And if you think for one second that I wasn't at an event with Jax Taylor last week...YOU'RE WRONG!!

Couple's Therapy - Ok so I'm slightly embarrassed by this on…a lil WT, HOWEVER it's beyond.  I mean in one house you have Taylor from RHOBH, FARRAH from Teen Mom & Ghostface Killah…I'm sorry…WHAT?!?!?!  The amount of times that Farrah "cries"/can't speak/whispers is beyond.  And she's there alone…I repeat…she is at couple's therapy alone.  Oh and Taylor cries over green towels.  It's just too much and I can't handle it …oh and did I mention John Gosslin is also on there??

The Bachelor  - Now I haven't tuned into this since Trista & Ryan.  It's seriously been that long.  We used to watch it in college with wine and friends and it was great - but it lost it's "charm" when I was watching sober…alone.  BUT I stumbled upon it a few weeks ago and I must say I'm aboard this runaway train.  It's a disaster.  These girls - I can't.  get a hold of yourselves!!  If one more 20 something talks about "settling down" and "ticking clocks" and needing to get married - I'm gonna scream.  I think these reviews really nailed it!  However, it's worth it every week to tune into the meltdown that ensues - because don't worry - there's one every week.  This is my fave...oh Victoria! 

Rich Kids of Beverly Hills - I still can't tell if I hate this or love this.  I feel like parts of it are so beyond ridiculous that I just can't help but sit there laughing.  And it's better when they acknowledge how ridiculous it really is.  The one girl who I think is hilar is Morgan - I kinda wanna be her friend. 

Obviously this list is non-exclusive of my original faves…every RH (meaning every city).  Kardashians…I just can't quit you!  Shah's of Sunset…finale tonight!! 

Soooo I hope you all have snow days this week!  I'm positive I won't…because don't worry I was at work when New York was declared a "State of Emergency"…so that's normal.  You know just had to climb over a few snow mounds, but I made it!  Smiling allll the way….