Wednesday, March 9, 2011

"Bills, Bills, Bills"

I'm not 100% why this title correlates with this post, and consequently there will be future posts with this title, but this quote just came to mind.  While I was in college and we lived off-campus in this most amazing White House - whenever we'd get bills, I'd run through the house yelling "bills, bills, bills" in this monotone, low, weird voice.  Coco totally loved it!  Actually she hated it, but we still say at “appropriate times”.  So don’t ask me why I need to call these posts this – just deal with it.  Ok, getting back to the point…these posts are going to be about things that I might not have been able to form a whole post on, but I still feel they are important enough to share.  So may I introduce you to the first installment of "Bills, Bills, Bills".
·     While I was walking to the gym last night there was a man walking on the sidewalk next to me.  He looked normal enough and then we got to a light and not so normal anymore.  While we stopped at the crosswalk I looked over and he began brushing his teeth.  Yup - full on brushing.  So the light turned and we could cross.  He puts the brush back in his pocket while we cross the street - no cover or anything just back in his coat pocket.  I'm thinking "wtf?!".  So we get to the next light - stopped.  We're shoulder to shoulder.  I glance over.  The brush comes out again - now I'm gagging because he put the dirty toothbrush back in his mouth.  Now my interest has peaked.  Light turns - brush back in we cross the street.  I try to get a lil closer to him to see what the hell is actually going on.  He smells minty fresh - brush comes back out and then its time to spit -basically he does a "drive by" spit tactic and keeps on walking brush back in coat pocket.  Then I realized I almost passed my gym and I'm still confused as to what exactly just happened! 
·     Every morning on my way to work, I pass this woman who walks 2 dogs - they are lil white dogs.  Oh you're thinking - "why is that weird?"  Well my friends let me tell you.  It's weird because she has dyed their tails and ears - one pink and one purple.  Why on Earth would you do that you ask?  Simply because she needs to tell them apart.  I'm sorry - isn't that what collars are for?!  Leave those poor things alone!
·     I went out to dinner with my friend Juan last night.  I was meeting him at this restaurant and while I was waiting for him, I stood by the bar area.  They were playing a pretty good music set and I glanced over to see this guy banging his cane - yes his cane - to the beat of the song that was on.  Pretty sure the song was "Under Pressure" by Queen & David Bowie- yup - it has a good beat - great for cane banging!  Also while at dinner I realized how old I'm getting and quite possibly I might be losing it.  I kept telling Juan that I was going to see a band called "Orchard Grove" on Friday - pretty sure it's "Ocean Grove". And I told him all about this place in the West Village called "Olive Oil" and what an amazing dinner I had there - one problem it's called "Extra Virgin".  Both things I was saying with such conviction that despite his questioning and not thinking that "Orchard Grove" and "Olive Oil" were the names - I was like no you just prob haven't heard of them - you're so not "New York".  Pretty sure I'm losing it!
·     Again while walking, I overheard a man ask this woman if she "took her dog out in the bad weather".  No sir, she lets the dog pee all over the house, totally normal, I mean it is raining outside!  WTF kind of question is that?!  No, actually she only takes her dog out when it's sunny and 76 degrees - perfect "dog weather"!
·     My gym is a lil cray cray at times and there are 2 things that have struck me recently.  1.  There is an older man that comes in everyday, in like full on clothes - I'm talking boots, flannel shirt, pants, etc.  Everyday he gets on the bike (usually next to me) and just sits there and watches TV.  Now I'm not sure if he's homeless, just telling his wife he's going to "work out" or what his deal is, but I have yet to see him even pedal!  And he'll sit there for like an hour at "peak time" and people are waiting to get on the bike!  2.  I was on the Elliptical and this woman saunters up next to me.  She was like all kinds of "perfect" and thought that she was just the shiz and some.  So she gets on the Elliptical next to me and busts out like a whole 2  minutes and decides she's had enough, I mean why break a sweat?!  Especially when you're in your tight lil (I stress lil) outfit and all and your hair is down so you look "just so".  Well she was getting off and thinking she was hot stuff when she forgot how to get off an Elliptical and twists around and plants herself on the ground.  Like she went flying off, legs twisted, lands on her hands and one knee - one leg still on the Elliptical.  Her water and towel go flying.  I of course stopped, turned around and asked her if she was ok, trying desperately not to laugh.  She gave me an attitude and said she "was fine"!  Well lady - Karma's a bitch, isn't it?!  Maybe if you weren't so rude to people and thought you were all that and a bag of chips (haven't busted that one out in awhile) then you would be able to remove yourself from your Elliptical in a normal fashion!
I hope you enjoyed these lil snippets of my crazay life.  I'll collect a few more, I like to keep a running tab, and then you'll get another installment of……BILLS, BILLS, BILLS!!

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