Downward Dog

I was dating this guy; we’ll just refer to him as Downward Dog (DD for short).   Things were going really well and I was really beginning to like him a lot.  He traveled a lot for work, so we didn’t get to see each other that often, but we talked a lot and really got to know each other.  Although he wasn’t really my “type”, we really did click and I was just trying to “go with it”.   So you imagine how nervous/excited I was when he invited me over for a “movie date” on a Friday night.  We had been dating for over a month then and I still got butterflies.  At this point, we had only kissed, so I figured we’d at least make out/spoon.  I should also note that he was leaving that Monday to go to Iraq for work.  Basically he needed to be fitted for “full body gear” and he was going into very dangerous territory.  He worked for the government and did a lot of this risky detail.

On my drive over, I happened to get stuck in the worst traffic of life.  It took me about 3 hours to get to his apartment (it should have taken 20 minutes – he lived next door to Ruby – so I knew the exact time it took!!).  So by the time I got there, I was a mess.  I was like a raw nerve.  I just wanted a beer and to relax.  So we ordered pizza and had a few drinks.  We watched a movie – I believe it was Superbad, obviously, I mean we were 2 mature adults!  And then came the awkward, movie over- should we make out – what’s gonna happen – I’m not drunk enough for this uncomortableness.  So we went into his room and started to make out.  It was going ok; I thought there were a few things that were strange/not what I was used to.  But what the hell – right?!  And then it happened – he contorted my body into such a state, I didn’t even know what the hell to do.  I wanted to cry/scream.  But the only thing that came out of my mouth was, “umm haven’t done my yoga today, so…”.  Ummm – what?!  Why do these things come out of my mouth?  Of course he took some offense to that – obvi he’s a guy and God forbid you give any “criticism”.  So the making out stopped abruptly and we went to sleep.  AWKWARD was an understatement.  I left the next morning and told him I’d call him later. 

I called him the next day to see if he wanted to do something.  He said he was busy packing and that he prob wouldn’t have time.  Basically I was getting the cold shoulder.   I was pretty upset because I feel like it wasn’t that big of a deal, but obvi I’m not the best when it comes to guys!  So I let it go and told him to call me when he got home. 

While he was gone, he sent me a bunch of emails with pictures and stories.  He was gone for about 3 weeks, so it was great that we were still talking throughout the whole time.  His last week there, he told me he couldn’t wait to see me and that he’d call as soon as he got home.  I was so relieved and excited that things were going to go back to normal.  So you can imagine my concern when I hadn’t heard from him days after he was supposed to get back.  I totally figured he was killed in Iraq and I’d never see him again.  I was panicked.  Literally Googling “DD and Iraq and US Government and Dead”.  

I was at Ruby’s house the following weekend for a sleepover/wine night.  We were pondering what could have happened, dwelling, as we do.  I called him again and left a message.  This was the second one and this time I was like “hi it’s me – just wanna know if you’re dead”.  Nothing.  So basically Ruby and I figured he was dead – I didn’t even know what to do with myself.

The next morning Ruby and I went to brunch up the street from her apartment.  We were walking and talking when all of a sudden I looked up and see someone walking towards me.  My words couldn’t come out – I was like “umm that’s not.  Is that?  It can’t be? Holy crap it is!”  Ruby wasn’t quite sure what was going on but just stared at me in wonderment.  He approached me and I stopped in front of him and said, “oh, hi DD – good too see you’re alive and well”.  He was like “oh yah I got back the other day and I’ve been so busy.  I’m just heading back from the gym”.  Oh, I’m sorry you’re so busy going to the GYM and all that he couldn’t even call me!  I was livid.  Ruby – not as quick on the uptake of my anger, blurts out, “we’re having a pool party – do you want to come?  I live right next door to you and you should come!  It’s so hot you should come take a swim.”  Pretty sure if he stepped foot into that pool area I was going to drown him!  So we awkwardly parted ways and I didn’t look back.

After that day I only heard from DD one more time.  It was obvious he was drunk and was just looking for a lil Lizzie – pretty sure he didn’t get any!  I’m sorry – fool me once into thinking you’re dead, shame on you; fool me twice…and you’re dead to me!